Accepting Love (Book 1)

Chapter 5

"The only number that would ever be enough is 0. Zero pounds, zero life, size zero, double-zero, zero point. Zero in tennis is love. I finally get it."
~ Laurie Halse Anderson

I wake up and instantly start my morning routine. Washing my face, getting all my clothes on, brushing my hair, teeth, etc. Everything the normal teenager (I would hope) does before heading off to the death trap, full of other humans.

I run downstairs and put on my shoes to wait for my mom and brother. I tap my foot with my bag slung over my back and look at my watch to check the time. I'm early even for myself. I decide to walk outside and lean against the car. I reach into my pocket pulling out my pack of du Maurier cigarettes and my lighter. I place one into my mouth and put the pack away proceeding to light the flame of the lighter and breathing in that first drag. I place the lighter back in my pocket and then grab the cigarette between my index and middle finger on my right hand. I've always smoked with my right hand. It's difficult to smoke with my left. The whole flicking of the ash is tricky.

My cigarette is done just as my brother an mom are walking out the door. I throw the bud to the ground and stomp on it to put it out before waiting for the sound of the car doors unlocking. The second they're unlocked I open the door and hop in. We never walk to school in the morning. Everyone is dead to the world at this hour. Luckily, our mom only has to leave for work at the time we have to be at school; 7:30 am. It's inhuman I tell you!

When I get to school I walk up the steps to the grade 10 hallway. I walk to my locker and open it dropping all my things inside. I dislike most of the people in my grade so I walk straight over to the grade 11 hallway where all my friends are. Most of them are already there and striking up chatter. I walk up to them and immediately pick up on what they're talking about. They seem to be talking about toothpaste. Why do I love these people?

"But crest toothpaste has three colours so it's kind of like a three layered rainbow with different colours." Classic Allen, always connecting things to rainbows and picking that as his favourite.

"How does that change the quality of the toothpaste?" Caitlyn counters.

"It doesn't, but it makes it more attractive."

"You, are one strange child my dear friend." I finally decided to speak up.

"Yes, yes I am. But you know you love me," he said in a childish voice. I wrap my arm around his shoulder hugging him to me.

"Very true. By the way, I wanna tell you and Andy something at lunch or after school. Which works better for you? I'm sure Andy is free."

"After school is better for me. I plan to hang out with Nikki at lunch."

"Alrighty, I'll find Andy and tell her. Him. Oh! I don't even know anymore! Them! I'll tell them!" I let go of Allen as the first bell rings and we all head to our first period class. My first period: French. Great, I have to deal with Leo first period. This is going to be just perfect.

I walk into the class a flash a smile to the teacher before walking to the back right corner to my spot next to Nick. I don't see Leo yet meaning he's either not in today, or late to class. As the second bell rings I find out he's just late to class. He takes the spot in front of me again.

"I thought we had an agreement? I hang out with you for an hour, then you leave me alone for a week."

"Deal was only if you didn't enjoy hanging out, but you obviously enjoyed it."

"I said no such things."

"Did you already forget how observant I am?"

"No..."

"Then you know that I'm not dumb enough to believe you didn't enjoy hanging out."

"Okay fine. It wasn't the worst thing in the world. Still doesn't mean I want to be annoyed by you." I cross my arms and legs with my sass face on as I say the last sentence.

"See, but if you think it wasn't the worst thing in the world, then I'm obviously not that annoying."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. Look, the teacher is starting class so sh." I turned my face to the teacher and surprisingly so did Leo.

After school Andy, Allen and I all start walking back to my place forgetting about my brother. Screw my brother, he can walk on his own. He's a grown boy, he doesn't need his sister to walk him home everyday. Besides, he hates smoke and the three of us all smoke. Outdoors only, of course. Even I find the smell distasteful. Then again, I'm also not a full time smoker. I'm an on again off again smoker. No telling when I'm gonna decide to pull one out. I know it's bad for you, but having only started smoking this past summer I still get the newbie effects. Let me tell you, the newbie effects feel great when you're also an occasional pot smoker.

We walk into my house being the first ones home and head straight into my room after taking off our shoes. None of us leave our bags downstairs. The second we reach my room I climb up the ladder to my bed and sit near the head cross legged.

"C'mon guys! Get up here! I have stuff to tell you!" They drop their bags near the gamer chair and climb up the ladder one by one and sit in front of me crossed legged as well.

"So what do you want to tell us?" Andy is the first to speak.

"There's this kid named Leo that's been annoying me lately. Says he wants to be my friend. I've never seen him before but apparently he's been at the same high school as us since grade 7. He's in the same grade as me, never failed."

"Really? That's odd. Not the wanting to be friends with you, because you're awesome, but that none of us have ever seen him before." Allen, mr. prefect, says.

"Well, it is a pretty big school. It's obvious that we aren't going to know everyone."

"Well yeah, but to not know someone in the same grade as myself? How likely is that?"

"Point, it's not very likely. But it's still possible."

"True. But I still find the situation weird, and him annoying."

"I would too in your shoes. Anyways, wanna play some GTA5?" Allen asks.

"Of course, we can take turns doing missions." We all climb down the ladder and get comfy whether it's on the floor, or in a chair. We play GTA5 until it's time for them to go home. By then it is time for me to go to bed and I haven't eaten anything all day. I can't help but to think that it's a good thing I haven't eaten. I'm not overweight but I still think I'm fat. I think I'll always think I'm fat. I don't think there is a cure for your thoughts.

I change into my pyjamas and climb into my bed, cocooning myself under my covers. While I may not be fighting the cutting thoughts tonight, I'm still fighting an internal battle. This one about my weight.

Will I ever be good enough? Will I ever be pretty enough? I wish I could be pretty like nature. To have a natural shine that radiates and allows others to shine. But instead I'm just plain old me. The ugly girl that never ends gets a second glance. Maybe it's better that way though. At least I always have a goal. To get skinnier. To get prettier. Sure the guys in my school are morons like my brother, but it would still feel nice to be noticed. Maybe I will get noticed some day. The day when I finally reach my goal. And if I reach it and I'm still not noticed, I'll try harder and set a new goal. Until then all I can do is try and live my life.

On the last thought I finally drift to sleep, determined to reach my current goal of 140 lbs.