Love Always, Georgia xxx

I Know Better

I woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon with my mum by my side after I had had a panic attack earlier in the day. For some people a panic attack is part of daily life but for someone like me, who has never had one, is is quite, well, panicky! My mum told me that I had started to hyperventilate and then I fainted, and then it all came flooding back to me; the email, the shock and the sudden pain, it was all there and I had another panic attack. I could hear my mum in the background, just a tiny whisper, urging me to calm down but one thought was taking over my mind: 'what am I going to do?'. It was like a cloud of black smoke preventing me from the rest of the world and all I could hear was a rushing sound in my ears. Then suddenly it all stopped. I came back down to earth and everything was calm again. It's like a wave; it builds itself up and crashes down and then it's peaceful.

The doctor said that this would happen a lot now. My parents called him over as they have no idea about the email and Georgia. He thinks it might be some sort of mental illness that I have and once you have one panic attack it triggers something in your brain which makes them happen all the time. This means that wherever I go there will always be that bugging thought in the back of my head, which is telling me that I could have a panic attack at any point in time.

I have to go and see a councillor for 2 hours per week at school until I have got this under control. She's called Miss Badger and a few people in my class have been to see her for various reasons. Apparently she's really nice, my parents have been to see her and they came back with good feedback although they might just be saying that to make me feel better. It has now been four days since my panic attack and my parents now know about Georgia and the email, although they still think that that isn't the cause of my mental thingy. They have kept me off school since Thursday, because they think I might feel 'fragile' after what happened. Seriously? Why does everyone seem to think that I can't cope without Georgia, that I'm lost without her, like some stray puppy.

I'm lying in my bed, the day before I have to go back to school and face everybody and all of their questions. Of course they will all know about my panic attacks now. The way rumours get around in our village, it's unbelievable. I realise that I haven't written in my diary since Wednesday evening and I get up and grab the nearest pen and sit down at my desk.

My mum said that we don't realise how much we depend on something until it's gone but I disagree. I think we don't realise how good things in our lives until another thing gets taken away. I stroke the soft suede surface of the book. My finger follows every curl and spiral on the design as I appreciate how stunning the blue and silver pattern is. I bought it two years ago in a town called Sidmouth, at a fabric stall, the day of my ballet show. Its quite tatty but it holds a memory from most days from the last two years that I will be able to look back on over and over again.

Dear diary, the past four days have been terrible. Georgia has won the lottery, a whole £64,000,000 and she has moved to Mauritius which is an island off Madagascar. She has promised that I can visit but I don't want to see her again. Who says goodbye to someone with an email, especially their best friend? I wasn't even special enough to get a phone call or for her to spend money on a foreign text. She dissed my family as well, commenting on our wealth compared to hers. We'll send you a bit of money in a few weeks' time as you are really poor and you can buy yourself a dress or something. Who says that?! She also asked me to pass on any messages from people at the boys' school who might be asking after her! I'm not her personal messenger! I have been diagnosed with some mental illness as well and I'm going to have panic attacks regularly now. YIPPEE!! (sarcasm). I just wish everything could go back to what it was like before; as much as I was jealous of Georgia, she would never had rubbed it in my face like she's doing now. I'm fed up and I have to go to school tomorrow and answer everyones' questions. My guess is that they all know about what has happened. Wish me luck! Love Harriet xxx

I climb back into bed after I have finished writing and I can hear quotes from Georgia's email running through my head:

...my parents are a lot more successful that yours...

...I hope our friend ship won't change and you won't become jealous of me...

...they were stupid and didn't buy a ticket...

...weekly massages...

...we are having a mansion in the south coast...

If any random person saw these words, they might look on the bright side but I know exactly what they mean. I know better.

Hi everyone!! You should be proud of me for publishing 4 times in 3 days because it is really difficult :)!! I won't be doing anything for a bit now because obviously it's half term and I have a life! Please remember to vote and comment blah blah blah......... Byeeeeeeeeee. Xxx