Suicide Notes

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen

Caleb-

It sucks that I'm the bartender tonight, I thought, as I dried the glasses, stacking them for easy access when we got busy. I'd much rather be on the other side of the bar after today.

Weariness seeped through me, as if someone had pulled a plug in the bottom of my feet and all my emotion and energy had swirled out down the drain. Danica wasn't any better; my dad was still an ass, and then, hearing Anna say she'd been accepted to a great school in California, hadn't done me any good either.

Anna had become everything to me; I was smart enough to recognize that. Like a preserver in a swelling sea, I'd taken to hanging onto her for my very life. She was the one bright ray of hope in my world of madness.

And you don't deserve her. My inner voice chastised again, but I shoved it quickly down. I was lying to Anna to protect her. Surely that outweighed my deceitfulness.

Lying wasn't something I was a stranger to. I'd lied to myself and to past girlfriends regarding my feelings for Anna for a while. My conscience pricked at me now, though, because Anna was special. She was the one person I never wanted to lie to. The truth be told, I wished, at times, I could tell her everything. My heart was being torn to pieces and my personal grief over Jessi's death went far beyond what anyone else knew. There was no one I could talk to about it. Yes, I knew drinking wasn't going to fix anything, but her personal betrayal toward me, the one thing no one knew about, was slowly eating me away. Drinking jumbled all those thoughts into a whirl of oblivion. It numbed me—if only for a short while—and made my pain bearable.

Except for when I was with Anna. Being with her made me dream of happy futures filled with beautiful moments. I trusted her, knowing she always had my best interests at heart. She was everything I ever wanted.

A shapely blonde sat down at the bar. "Can I get a vodka and cranberry juice, Caleb?" I recognized her immediately as having been here before. For the life of me, I couldn't remember her name; but I definitely remembered the way she'd dragged me into the cleaning closet and how her plump lips felt around my—.

Yanking my thoughts back to the present, I smiled. "Sure thing. How are you tonight?"

"Great, I hope," she replied, biting at her lower lip.

Glancing around, it was still early enough that the bar was basically dead; and I found myself wishing there were more patrons. There was no doubt in my mind she was here for a repeat performance. If there was one thing I'd learned well in my line of work, it was how to read a horny woman. One look at her ultra short, low cut red dress and spiked heels revealed plenty. She wanted to be noticed tonight.

It was no secret I liked women; and, in the past, I never turned down the opportunity for a little action—unless I had a steady girlfriend that I was really into. Physically, I always tried to be faithful to whomever I was with; but mentally, Anna had been on my mind a lot. Things were different now though.

As I mixed the drink, I found myself trying to figure out a way to keep this from becoming an awkward situation. There was no way I'd ever cheat on Anna—physically or mentally. She was everything I'd ever wanted and I was already walking the wire of deception with her. I definitely wasn't going to consider anything else that would mess it up.

"Here you go," I said with a smile, setting the drink in front of her. "Do you want to pay as you go or run a tab?" I asked, grabbing a towel to wipe away a few wet spots.

"Oh, I think I'll stay for a bit; so run me a tab," she answered with a wink, wrapping her bright red lips around the small straw as she looked me over hungrily. "How've you been?"