Sometimes I just curl into a bawl and cry. I don't know what to do anymore. I shouldnt be here i think to myself.My savior was YouTube. There is a group they like to call themselves o2l. It has a group of six guys Sam, Trevor,Connor, JC, Ricky, and most important Kian. They broke up a few years ago, that doesn't stop me from watching them. They all have their own channels and I'm most attached to Kian obviously. He helped me when my life was falling apart. He was my cure. I started cutting when I was 14 and there was many reasons. My dad went to Jail one night for abusing my mother. Ever since my mom has kept herself locked in her room drinking beer or doing drugs. Rarely she'll come out and even look at me. We were once a happy loving family. Then high school came, the bullying and the hate got to me about cutting again. I had a specific bully named Chrissy. Her father was rich and of course she was perfect in every way except her heart. Nobody knows about my cutting and I like to keep that way too. I'm insecure about my self I think I'm fat, ugly, and just a mess up in life. I have brown hair and blue eyes. Boring but still insecure about myself of course. I only have one friend, her name is Jessica. She doesn't think of me as a best friend, but at least I have her by my side. Sometimes I think about suicide, and how it would be better for everyone if I was just gone. No one cares about me anyone's so why waste space on me.
Next Morning~
I woke up to the sound of I hate you I love you by Gnash as my alarm. I love this song and it has a lot of meaning to me. I grabbed a towel and jumoed in the shower. I loved the feeling if my muscles feeling relaxed by the hot water. After a few minutes of just standing I did my routine. I put on my regular set of clothing type. Its either sweatpants,leggings, or spandex and a sweater. (Outfit below)
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I then straightened my hair and brushed my teeth. I grabbed my Nike bag and phone and walked downstairs. It was 7:00 and school started at 7:15 so I rushed out the door into my crappy black car.
After car ride to school~
As I approached hellschool I cringe at just the sight. I shrug it off and start walking inside... instead I'm pushed onto the ground by the one and only Chrissy. "Ouch." I yelped because I scraped my knee on the cement. "Ha looks like the slut fell, your such a clumsy bitch." Chrissy hissed. "I didn't fall you pushed me!" I fought back in defense. Then Chrissy got offended and slapped me right across my cheek. "You bitch! Don't ever talk to me like that or I WILL do worse!"she yelled making the will clear. I just nodded and picked my things up and ran to class. "Ms.Jones! Why are you so late!" My teacher Mrs.Garcia yelled at me. "I'm sorry Mrs.Garcia it won't happen again." I walked to my sit with fear. Mrs.Garcia went on with class for the next hour. Finally class was over.
Skip to lunch(yeah I'm that lazy)~
I normally sat by Jessica but I didn't see her today,Great!(note sarcasm). I decided to just skip the rest of school today,I have straight A's and I understand everything so why not? I rushed to my car so no one would see me and drove home. My mom was at work until 11 pm everyday so I'm normally lonely. I unlocked my door and ran upstairs. I plopped on my bed and grabbed my Macbook. I went on YouTube and noticed Kian just posted a vide, I clicked instantly. As I was watching I started to fill with excitement because he was talking balut going on tour. He was coming to my state, Virginia, last. I knew I had to get tickets so I finished watching the video and logged into my bank account and saw I had only 50 dollars inside it. I had about 40 dollars in savings. I don't work so I don't have much money. My mom works as a waitress so we don't have a lot of money at all. At that time I knew I had to get a job so I can collect money for a ticket. After watching YouTube forever I realized it was late and I needed to go to sleep tomorrow and go job searching. I snuggled in bed and thought about how amazing my experience is gonna be once I meet the Kian Lawley.
