It didn't take very long for the emptiness to sink in. I was swept back into the grey doldrums of my past loneliness. There was a craving for the warmth their company gave me, but nothing could sate my yearning. It was depressing. I hadn't done very much in the coming months. It was only a matter of time before I was kicked in the knees by life. There was no motivation; there was nothing left to drive me to the better.This feeling was different than the usual exhaustion I felt in my waking hours. It was a torpor I feared would drain me of all physical being.
I was spread about my bed, chewing feverishly at my fingernails; the habit I relapsed straight into when this cloud of angst washed over me once again. I constantly check my phone for any sign of the living, instead it was a lack thereof. Void of pulse or heartbeat, I merely let out a foolish sigh.Only in my wildest dreams could I speak to them again. It ran like clockwork, one gear would spin, causing all others to follow suit. The humorous tings of the new hour, the deep bellows of the new day; the clock's mood always changing by time itself.
If I say it now, I'll say it to myself again in this hollow of self-thought: Never take the good times for granted. You'll regret it.
My feet barely touched the frozen, grey tiled floors; the thoughts rushed back again and again. The small prattle that kept my days moving, and my eyes open. The single word comments that left me to ponder in silent laughter. The sweet dictum that always made the creases in my cheeks worsen. Those memories are just the drug that drives me deeper into this despondency, this detachment, this out of body experience that is a hell to live in.
I am standing, and I'm down once again. My mind plays games, gives me a relentless emotional vertigo that never seems to cease. It crashes, but it isn't the gentle crash of waves against the rocks, it's the vehement crash of two vehicles on the freeway. It is the crashing realization that the boy you saw at the subway doesn't have parents. The girl the works at the coffee shop, lost her husband. It is the time when one realizes:
"I am alone."
