30 Before 30

Prologue

I lay here in my dark cold room dry mouthed, hungry and unable to move. The warmth of my cat perched on my legs comforts me, giving me the much needed love that I crave. In reality she is just using me for my warmth.

Used.

A feeling I am quite familiar with. Thoughts of last night run through my mind and there is no off switch. How could things esculate so quickly. Why did I behave in such a manner? And what happens now from here? The convosation that broke my heart and shattered it in to tiny pieces that cannot be repaired replays in my head becoming louder and more painful. I shouldn't have done drugs last night. I can't think straight everything is a mess, is the paranoia the drugs or is it just how I am. The questions I have been asking all day. Could the event have been altered if I just said no.

Past relationships haunt me as I try to figure this out. He is not the one he will never be the one. But still I find myself with the constant urge to carry on know matter the hurt, the pain or the consequences.
The memory of our last encounter convinces me to pursue this journey.

'It will never be more' his voice bellows in thoughts. His accent making each word more defined, more upsetting. I didn't think my feelings were so raw. How five words could cut so deep. I knew what it was but time caught up with me and before I knew it I was hooked. Hooked on his face, his smile and his heart. I was falling into a place i couldn't easily escape. Reminising about his touch made my body skirm. Our embrace passionate and fullfilling making me feel complete just for a moment.

I was still not moving, isolating myself from humanity. Even the cat had enough as she clawed her front nails into my legs before jumping off to go about her buisness. Now i was truly alone and this was my time, the time for me. I needed to find myself to make better choices in life.

At 24 I figured I'd have my life sorted, a stable career, commited relationship. But life doesn't always go to plan.
'All you care about is men' my sisters voice carried into my thoughts.
It wasn't true but actions speak louder than words. I had been with quite a few guys. But I wasn't ashamed. I have had some of my best and worst experiences and it made me who I am today.
I wouldn't consider myself promiscuous and I never thought I'd be that girl. Bad life choices, countless guys and pointless relationships. But i had the feeling I was destined to be alone.

I never imagined I'd reach 30 before 30.
I lay here thinking of my past endeavours as my eyes begin to become heavy, my body relaxed in my sanctuary. I was drifting off. Images of my previous relationships overwhelming me as I entered into a lucid dream.