Reaching Infinity

August 1, 2013

I haven’t written in a little while. I know. I can’t think of what to write but I know I should be writing. Its strange. I have things to say but I can’t get them out. Its horrid. I guess I’ll start with the basics, Jordyn has visited twice already and school starts in a few weeks. Cross Country practice becomes official tomorrow. I don’t feel like I should be starting back. I feel like I should be beginning my summer. Its been, uneventful I guess. Yes, big things have happened but there was nothing else, no wave of leftover power. 

People changed more this summer than they did this past year. Its scary to see. After that plane crash, some of my friends lost everything. One his life, the others, a piece of them. I’m trying to stay positive though, not thinking about mortality. I’ve been listening to Pompeii by Bastille a lot. Well, that and Let Her Go by Passenger but the Bastille one is more new. Pompeii also has a lighter message in my opinion. It says that things change, people go dark, and bad things happen. No matter what, those things don’t affect what really matters, “when you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?” Yes, some things change but others don’t. We haven’t lost what we have left. The friendships we have are still here. The songs we love are still playing. The stories we write are read, the smiles are worn, and the tears fall. All of that still happens. Sometimes, to heal you have to give something up. “You only need the light when its burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow, only know you love her when you let her go.” You have to remove bullets and thorns. They might leave scars, but it just shows what you’ve been through. This rant doesn’t even make sense. I’m trying though, I really am. 

I’ve barely thought about my writing lately. Ok, I haven’t thought about it at all. I haven’t even done my schoolwork yet. Really, I’ve just been sitting around my house, drawing and thinking. Thats all. My summer is pure nothingness. Yes, I hung out with the Wallflowers. Yes, I got to see Jordyn again. Its just that nothing stands out quite like the bad things do. They’re overpowering the good.

All I can think about right now is what will happen to the empty seat by me in English. The blank paper in Art. Things left undone. I feel like I’ll get there and try to imagine him. Like he’s there. Faun is suffering worst of all. She’s seeing ghosts and I worry for her. Things left undone. I can’t help her right now. There are too many people to help in general. 

I’ve also realized now how often I take planes and how my parents avoided them this summer. We were supposed to fly to Canada for my father’s business. That trip was mysteriously cancelled. It also makes me worry about other people I care about and planes. I think they know who they are, they know I’m worried. I need to think something else, feel something else other than worry for once. I’m always worried. I’m worried that Waverly will snap from pressure, Charlotte will end up in a never ending fight. I feel like Danielle will go 5th grade and Caroline will leave for Germany early. I’m worried that Jordyn will forget me or fall in love with someone else but we all know thats an ongoing issue. He doesn’t like me to talk about it. Maybe thats why I’m so much calmer when he is here, arms around me, smiling. I just wish it could be like that all the time. I wish I could stop worrying. “But oh, where do we begin?”

Love Always,

Quinn