Untitled story...i guess...

Storm coming

I've been through this state of mind for the past few months. Actually, not months but years. Going through ups and downs lying myself that i was getting better. But i didn't. I've been better, you know? I've been on the highest state of happiness. I guess that was not my place. Just visiting from time to time. It's like that favorite place that you had when you were a kid, the one where you always liked to hide , where you could be yourself without anyone judging, laughing or yelling at you for doing your thing. I still visit those high hills filled with happiness called memories. Looking back, it's like i never been depressed, like I've never been sick or never been down. I can see those moments that made me the happiest person alive. Seeing my mother face in my head, my sister's face or my dad's face makes me so happy that i want to cry. And it makes me wanna cry because I've been so close to losing them. I can't believe that i reached a point in time where i wanted to end my own life. But that was in the past. Honestly, if i think about it, it still seems  like a normal thought. Death. I was about to die because of my own mind. My own mind betrayed me and became the enemy that i have to live with. 

You know, i made up this little story of how inside my body there are trapped two different persons. Me, the one that i see everyday in the mirror and takes the rational decisions, the one that socializes with everyone i know and how i want to succeed in every possible way. Me, the one that is having fun with the people i care about, the one that laughs whole-heartedly, the one that makes a lot of good jokes, the one that gets drunk, the one that does a lot of crazy shit and, while entertaining myself, i entertain the others. The one that makes everyone laugh and never gives up on reaching further, beyond the boundaries. The sister me. The daughter me. The friend me. The lover me. The one that dresses like a motherfucking queen. The goth me. The hip hop me. The bookworm me. The otaku me. The artist me. 

And then there's the other me. The one that follows me up everywhere i go, questioning everything i do, doesn't let me to concentrate. The one that comes up in my dreams and fuck up my sleep, disguised as i man i am always running from. The me that works like a snake, sticking her tail into the cracks of my confidence and crashes down all the self esteem i am trying to build. The one that screams in my head how worthless i am and how the world would be a better place without me. The me that fucks up everything i am trying to build and makes me fall on my knees, and puts pressure on my shoulders, forcing me to give up on this fucking stupid life.

And after long battles and wars with my own mind, i am being the loser and the winner as well. Because i am always reaching to the point where i agree with my evil self. I am worthless, i can do nothing good. I can never go up to other expectations. I am never good enough to please myself. And then i realize there's no good me/evil me. There's just me and my fucked up mind playing games with the devil.