I Just Want To Save You

Chapter 1

Description: Andy thinks his boyfriend is dead. Now he doesn't know what to do with himself.
DISCLAIMER: If this is real, then I'm a rainbow octopus.
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(Andy's P.O.V.)

It's cold. 
I'm alone in my room with several blankets cocooned around my frail body, but yet the chill somehow manages to still bite at me. 
I sit upright, sniffling. Tears burned my blue eyes, that used to glow whenever he was near, now dull and full of nothing but hopeless yearning. 

I wanted him here.
Ashley.
I wanted Ashley with me.
He always kept me warm this time of year, his arms around me, our bodies held against each other to share the precious body heat. 

But that could never be again.
I knew Ashley had drunk himself to death, for only a week I've known this. 
And I'm already positive that I won't be moving on. Ever.

I dropped out of school.
My frequent breakdowns kept me from concentrating and I most certainly did not want to be sent to the goddamn counselor. 

I had dropped a good fifteen pounds from my lack of appetite. My ribs showed a little, and my hip bones sharply poked out underneath my deathly pallid skin. 

Fresh red marks and several scars from the recent blade contact littered my inner forearms. 
They hurt, but enduring that pain was what it took to numb my broken heart. It distracted me from the blistering agony which ate away at my insides, a little at a time, until I would finally wear away. 
When I received the call from our friend, Jinxx, telling me that Ashley was dead, I couldn't believe it.
I didn't want to believe it. 
The very thought made me sick to my stomach. 

But when I got to his loft apartment, nobody would look at me.
The few who dared looked sympathetic.
A large black casket was set in the living room, open for all to see the body inside. 
There he was.
My beautiful Ashley, lying there peacefully. His eyes were closed and his arms laid over his stomach. They had dressed him in black, and his signature makeup was applied to his flawless face.  

I reached down to touch his cheek. 
It was ice cold. He was gone.
. . .I believed Jinxx now. 

After the open casket service, I went home and cried my heart out for the rest of the night.



The next day was his funeral.
Of course I had to go.

I dressed head to toe in black, except for a bright red tie. 
It was Ashley's. 

He had given it to me and always liked when I wore it. 
So I did. 

I stayed long after the burial, tears still stung in my eyes and rolled down my face. The saltiness irritated my skin a little but I was too choked up to care.

I feel arms wrap themselves around me from all sides and I was pulled against a few warm bodies.
Jinxx, CC, and Jake.
I turn my head and sob into Jake's shirt, though he didn't seem to mind. He just rubbed my back and whispered soft reassurances in my ear, accompanied by the other two as well. But they pretty much all said the same things. 

"He's in a better place now, Andy. He wouldn't want you to cry." 

I suddenly felt a bolt of anger rush through me and I moved back, glaring up at them coldly. 
"Maybe I don't give a shit if he's 'in a better place', I want him here with me! You don't fucking understand anything I'm feeling right now, do you?" 

I stalked off to my car, leaving the stunned group behind. I know they wouldn't blame me for lashing out. I was upset, I didn't mean what I said. 
Yes, I miss Ashley terribly.
But even if he was still alive, he'd be the drunk he always had been.

He'd still be the man I was, and still am, so desperately in love with. 


Days pass, and I still was not getting any better. 
My mother grew worried, as I refuse any food and her care. 
I am getting close to being sent to a hospital, therapy, maybe an institution.

But any place I would go, I won't ever stop thinking of Ashley Purdy.

The guys continue to be helpful, despite my anger towards them at my dead lover's funeral. Each of them call every day to see how I'm doing. 
They even stop by now and then, giving me all the comfort that I need. 
They are all sweet, caring, and never allow me to be in any of their presences looking unhappy. 

Still though...

Even the guys can't fill the hole in my heart that still painfully beats for Ashley. 

My Ashley.   

(Ashley's POV)

I did it.

I faked my own death. 

For him.

I did it because never thought I was good enough for Andy, I was almost always drunk off my ass or asleep. I often wondered how I even ended up with him in the first place. And I still do. Even now that I'm gone.
I did it because his parents are homophobic. I want to protect him.
But I need to see him.

No, I can't.
I did this for a good reason. I can't go back.
Yes, I can.
He needs to know the truth.

No.
I can't hurt him again.

I've hurt him too many times before. I've lied, cheated, /hit/ Andy. 

All while drunk. 

I can't believe myself. And now I'm gone and I hurt him again. Worse than all the other times when I'd apologize for being stupid and everything would be back to normal.
Now I couldn't apologize for anything.
Because I'm gone.
I hurt him.
/Again/.

But, what if this time, I hurt him so badly, he tries to commit suicide. . . 

To see me again. . .

That's it.

I need to see him. I need to see if he's okay. It's a life or death situation right now. Literally.

But what if he doesn't want to see me? What if he doesn't want to forgive me for messing up so badly? No, Andy's not like that.

Or is he. . .
No. He isn't. I know this. Two years of messing up is proof enough.

I took my keys from the counter, bolting from my new home to my car. I hadn't been drunk today. I hadn't been drunk since I "died."

I was going to see Andy. I didn't care about anything anymore. I just cared about him. And I am going to see him. I'm going back. He needs to know the truth. And it's what he'll get.

It's two hours to LA. Two hours I'll have to drive through. And two hours I'll use to see Andy again. 

I need Andy back.

And I need him now.