The Social Experiment

#1 A New Leaf

"Zoë, we have been seeing each other for 2 blocks of sessions now," my counsellor informed me. I twisted my bobble repeatedly in my fingers waiting for her to continue. "That's 12 sessions."

"And it feels like a lifetime," I joked turning to look out the window next to me.

"Well a lot has happened; it's enough to feel like one," she laughed. I turned back and laughed with her. We got on well, which made me feel better about these sessions. I liked to convince myself I was all better didn't need to see her anymore, but that would only last a day or so before I crumbled and decided I should be better off in a mental hospital. "Anyway, what I was going to ask was if it was okay to put you down for another 6 sessions?"

"Yes, sure," I tried to sound as normal as possible because I wasn't ready for the counselling to be over yet. What if something goes wrong tomorrow? She wouldn't be able to talk to me and help me get it straight in my head.

"Okay, I'll see you again in 2 weeks time," we both stood up and walked towards the door. We said our farewells as we walked in different directions. I walked towards the common room, an undersized room for my year to reside in during free time. I always felt suspicious when I walked in after my appointments because I thought people would know where I was.

I sauntered to the back table where I left my jacket. I grabbed my phone and scrolled through Facebook. Nothing was new, only the same people sharing videos they could just like instead of annoying everybody.

"Zoë," I turned around at the call of my name to see my best friend's arms flailing around me. I froze and tensed before hugging her awkwardly. "How was your appointment? The one you oh-so kindly abandoned me for." She feigned sadness and wiped away an invisible tear.

"It was fine, but quit whining you have 2 hours of me now," Emily's eyes bulged out her face remembering our plans.

"Pizza," she squealed in excitement, pulling her phone out to order as quickly as she could. I laughed and chose my half of our 50/50 pizza. Before the bell could have a chance to finish ringing, or being a claxon as it is in our school, Emily had grabbed my arm and was already dragging me like a doll to the exit. I called out to my other friends who laughed as I nearly missed snatching my phone from the table with the haste that I was being pulled at.

"Emily, the pizza won't even have been made my now," I joked but she pushed the tracker in my face and pointed.

"Actually, it says it's quality is being tested."

"That means we will wait another 15 minutes," I laughed but she looked at me upset again, her lip pouted. "Let's just stick on our program and wait, that's the best way to kill time."

Despite the drama being featured on the TV, my mind was wandering to my appointment and my nightmare from last night. My counsellor and I rarely spoke about what happened to land me I counselling: in the beginning she tried to work out what problems she was dealing with in order to find a solution and how best to progress, but in the end she realised I didn't like talking about it as it put me on edge for days after. Therefore the only times we spoke about it was if it was playing on my mind or we were talking about current events and I mention how I truly felt or what I truly thought and if it sounded like déjà vu she would warily bring up the forbidden topic.

Today I mentioned my dream, and even she was struggling to work it out. She tried looking on the bright side of it, but I could only focus on the way it made me feel. I was paralysed, lying on the ground hearing nasty things being whispered into my ears. It started out so well, I was at my primary school helping out during break time. One of the younger girls asked me to play with her and so I did. It wasn't long until I realised who it was, and I ran away to grab my stuff before any of her family showed up baying for blood. Unfortunately I ran into Satan and her husband. She was wearing red glasses and a red scarf whereas he wore a red stripped top. That's when the verbal abuse started. "You're a liar, and you know what day it is," "The police will have the results back and will tell us the truth unlike your attention seeking lies," "You are a horrible person, how can you live with the lies you told?" At this point, his phone rang, and I ran. I tried running as far as I possibly could but I felt as though I was in quicksand, slowly sinking into the ground and completely paralysed. I tried dragging myself across the ground to get away from them. I knew deep down what I had told the police was true but whether they found evidence is another matter.

"What do you mean he's guilty? He didn't do it- that skinny little brat is lying," was all I heard. I screamed trying to break free from myself but to no avail. I was trapped.

"He can't have done it, but he has," was all I heard, like a verbal battle of disbelief. I paused and turned around in shock. I was believed. The truth was finally out and free.

That's when I woke up. Despite it sounding like a relieving dream, the terror involved and the memories it stirred were debilitating.

"Pizza!" Emily shouted slapping my leg, snapping me out of my thought, as she ran to the door. The poor delivery man had no chance against her grip and determination. It was comical seeing her devour her first 2 slices and then calm down to savour the last 3. I was sensible and ate all my slices at an equal pace so they were all enjoyed fully. To us, pizza was an important part to our week and we made sure to always make this time.

Once we were finished, I pulled out my phone and went onto my Facebook and straight to my settings. I paused over the button to see everyone who has been blocked and thought about this idea carefully.

Unblocking everyone on that list gives them all the opportunity to hurt me again, but they have all been blocked for a month or more. It would be ridiculous for them to start anything as the earliest incident was over 2 years ago now. So long ago yet my mind thinks about it as though it was yesterday. Either way, it would be pathetic of anybody to contact me; they all know well and truly that they've been blocked. Unblocking them would be turning a new leaf. One I should have probably turned months ago, but being me I was brought into more drama.

I clicked the button to view all those blocked: 7 guys.

David Ryans

Stephan Murray

Gary Woods

Christopher Reynolds

Taylor Aitkin

Jack Williams

Calum Harvey.

I must be crazy in doing this, but I feel like it's the right thing to do. A new leaf: letting go of everything that has happened and opening myself to the future and what it may bring.