Not How I Thought it Would Be...

I thought I had myself convinced that you weren't the one.  But some how, I slipped towards you, again.  We flirted when we texted every day for about a week or more.  And when the day came that we finally got to see each other, it happened.  We kissed... my stomach turned intensely when you said that we should.  You were worried about our friendship and how it might change dramatically.  I didn't think that it would though, because if things didn't work out between us, I felt I could be strong and move forward.  We would always be good friends and be there for each other every minute of our lives.  There was something that I didn't understand though, and it frustrated me... you wanted me to keep this a secret!  Like it would endanger our lives if anyone knew!  I was so confused, up to this day I am still confused.  Not knowing what the issue was, I told someone.  Then another, and another.  All of my closest friends knew, and I told them not to mention anything to you.  I trusted them and they understood completely.  I don't know how, but you found out I told someone.  You didn't know about the others who knew, just one person.  I explained to you how this person wouldn't tell anyone, they crossed their heart.  But you're just so ignorant sometimes in a way that I don't understand!  You also wanted me to forget about it, pretend that it never happened.  What is the deal?  It wasn't that big of a kiss... to me it was, but I don't get why you were so upset.  This is one reason why I convinced myself that you weren't the one for me, you're unpredictable.  We fought for a while and I was ready to cry my heart out.  Luckily, a girl friend said to me "He is doing this to you!  You don't deserve it!  Don't cry over him, he's not worth it."  I know this all sounds like the typical chick flick movie... but, whatever.  I guess that this is really how things go, when you let your wants come before responsibility and knowing your self-worth.  The conversation eventually ended, on me saying "Get over yourself.  I'll talk to you later."  I tried to text you a few days after, but no reply.  I tried again and again.  Heartbroken, I was simply heartbroken.  I felt guilty for a number of things, you had almost forced this feeling upon me somehow.  I wanted to be with you again, talk like we needed to about this so that I could understand.  About a week later, I saw you at the grocery store in town while you were working.  My mom was with me and when she said hi to you, you quickly replied "Hey" without eye contact to her, just focusing on me.  "My phone broke on Saturday!"  you said, with a concerned look sweeping across your face, knowing I must have tried to contact you.  I felt fairly relieved, knowing that you weren't ignoring me, knowing that you do care for me, as a good friend.  There is a song called "Haven't Had Enough" by Mariana's Trench.  I found that for the longest time, we related to this song.  Riding a rollercoaster of feelings for each other, we haven't had enough of each other... we just have to move on and love other people, find a new song.  Some days, I hate that it's like this between us, but we must be strong.  We'll always be good friends.  This isn't really how I thought my first kiss would be... great story to tell though, agreed?

By: waiting4him