Don't be the lion

cUb Part 2

'' - You are so boring!'' ... i can hear that phrase in my head over and over again. Some friend of mine said that and all my pink world of bubbles crushed in a second. I... am ... boring , that moment when u find out a truth about yourself and no matter how much you try to lie and say its nothing , all that feels like you are trying to drink the sea with one tiny cup... and it wasn't even a serious meaning to those words , he just said that out of the blue in a morning on our way to school ... and i just smiled and said '' Well at least you know now ''. Later on my life i've heard those words so many times that i pretend that i don't hear them and just smile or answer angry " you dont know me "... but thats not true , you can read it on my face , in my gestures , in my words ... in everything . And thats when i realized what i was actually doing with my life... You see , me , like any other living creature on earth , i have a past , i have scars and things that made me the way i am today. If you will ask me if i would change something about my past i will give you one answer " NO" , what happened then made me who i am today , i dont like me today , but i was made by my choice . This and the fact that i dont like to admit i make wrong choices .... In that particular moment i found myself so shallow and empty , because i realized that all my life , im not kidding , every single day of my life i was practicing the way of being boring . Of course  im a master of it , im a professional boring human being. I dont talk too much, i smile at everyone, i do anything to please everyone, i dont have a pride, i dont take actions , i always listen and do what im told to do, i dont smoke , i dont drink, i dont date , i dont do many noises ( i pee without making noises ... yeah ... ) , im that perfect kid, the stright A+, the nerd from the library , i dont have opinions, i just agree to the other person, i dont know what im supposed to answer when someone ask me a personal question , i blush like a broken traffic light, i cant talk to strangers, im clumsy and many more ... so im boring. And then i realized that i actually killed myself in a spiritual way of speaking, i have said to myself everyday in every situation DONT DO THAT YOU HAVE TO CONCEAL YOURSELF . I am a perfect poker face, i dont react when i receive presents , or when someone drop dead next to me ... my heart doesnt beat faster , my head isnt full of cute thoughts ... im empty like a bottle of whisky in the light of the morning after party. So empty it looks clean. I felt like a broken doll that moment , i realized that i dont even know myself... and now i cant even find out who i was before i died. 

Psychologist call it " the hideout" , when a person pushes out reality and fake another personality to fit in the world. But the sad thing about me is that my hideout is somewhere i forgot myself in. From that moment when i found out how shallow i am i tried almost everything so i could find the real me. I've never found me ... i just created another personality and i pushed myself into it faking smiles like a painted Chinese doll. From changing my hair color to dating all kinds of men or trying out everything i refuzed to myself all this time . But after trying and trying , i found myself on a couch in the club drinking a vodka from a large glass. I dont like to be cool , or dance , or drink , or love ... i just like to sit on a couch and stare into the dark until someone needs me , so i can give a reason to my exitance, i exist because you find me usefull. 

I've tried all my life to act normal. And i succeeded .