My legacy (letters to anyone)

My first memory

It was a peculiar feeling, like being stabbed a ,million times In my stomach or maybe like being locked up In a cage with lIon.as the tears fell down my cheeks I felt like I was drowning. I hated crying it made me feel like I am weak. I have just woken up from yet another nightmare. They started coming to me when I was about ten years old. I felt like I was being haunted by my own personal demon. I remember the first time I had a nightmare it felt so real that even when I woke up I was still scared of the events that took place in my dream. It was a reminder of the first thing that I remember from my childhood, I was maybe seven or eight I was Is one of my friends, at least that Is what I thought she was at the time, apartment. I was a kid and I had no Idea what I was doing or the kind of situations I got myself in. I remember going Inside of the room and the sound of the door shutting and me asking for help and no one answering my pleads. Every day since I was ten I had to have this nightmare at one point they had gotten so bad that I had refused to sleep. Since then it is a habit of mine to sleep a maximum of 5 hours a day and during these five hours I had to wake up at least two times. I closed myself off, I tried not to be emotional or have feelings. I would deny myself of basic human emotion like crying or even tearing up. I was able to greatly control my feelings after I rarely cried but at one day I was so upset and I kept bottling my feelings In until I had a panic attack.