fallen in love with the wrong guy

Im lying in bed. Thinking of everything I've done wrong in my life: lied, cheated, stolen maybe. but most of all, fallen in love with the wrong guy.

So while eating with him every week, at the same place. Eating the same thing. Seems romantic. Its not. Because he doesn't feel that way. And I know that from him telling me six years ago that he didn't want our friendship to be ruined. So I told him that he was right. And that I was probably just looking for someone to get attention from. With everything that was going on in my life. But all thats over. My life is better. I got my own apartment. Own job. But no matter what. Every Thursday, and Friday I will go eat and spill everything that happened that week. To the man I've loved for ten years.

"So how was work?" He asks me.

"It was good. Great actually. Got a raise." He looks up from his food, "what? Thats great?" He stands a little and leans in and kisses my cheek. It sends a thrill through my entire body. He sits back down. Looks at me for a long time. As if he were waiting to see how I would respond.

"Thanks. Its because of you though. Telling me to stand up to him. I mean, I work the hardest out of everyone there. Its only fair I get paid more. I work way more hours then ANYONE. then stay even LONGER then that." He looks down at his food. "It was no problem," he looks at me, "really."

He's walking me home when he stops me. "Hey listen. I..." he looks at me. Then away. Then back at me. "Yeah?" I ask. "Nothing. Im just, REALLY proud of you... C'mere." He says and pulls me towards him. We're side by side. His arm over my shoulder. It seems while my entire body is on fire by his touch, he's alright. So when he drops me off at my apartment I only feel its right to kiss him on the cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow?" I ask. His eyes are wide when he says, "yes. Absolutly. Tomorrow." And walks away.

I take a shower, brush my teeth, comb my hair. And fall into bed. Thinking the same thing I did the night before. And the night before that. Thinking the same thing I think everynight.

"So, you got your check today... how big is it?" He asks me. "Pretty big. $970.78. And I didnt even work extra hours this week." He looks amazed. "I'm so proud of you. You're an amazing person. You know that?" "Um. Thanks? And I don't know. Do you know how amazing you are?" He looks up from his food, "of course I do." He smiles. I laugh. We have one more glass of wine. Then its time for him to walk me home.

We're on my doorstep. When I go to turn my door handle he grabs it instead. "Do you mind if I stay tonight. I've got a lunch with my supervisers tomorrow, and the restraunts right around the corner." He knows he can stay. He just wants me to say it. "Of course. Come on in."

Im making him some coffee while he's sitting on the couch. The couch he went with me to buy. When he enters the kitchen, "hey. Whats up?" He says. "Oh nothing. Making you some coffee. Then I have to take a shower. Do you need one. Or do you take them in the morning?" He says, "morning will be fine." Takes the coffee out of my hands gentally. Taking his time to pry it out of my fingers. "Thanks for the coffee. Go ahead and take your shower." I walk out of the kitchen and down the hall. Into my bathroom. lock the door, and begin to undress.

After the shower. I go and check on him. He's sitting on my spare rooms bed. He looks up from something he's looking at. Quickly puts it under his pillow. And stands, "hey. Whats up?" He swallows. "Nothing, just coming to check on you. Make sure you don't need anything." I move out of the doorway. And enter his room. Why not his room? He's the only one who ever really stays here. "No im good. Really, you should go to bed." Im a little disappointed. "Okay. Well, goodnight then." I turn around. Leave his bedroom. And fall into a deep sleep. Followed by dreams of love that isn't fair. And dreams, that never come true.

I wake up to the sound of a shower. Thats okay. I wanted to see what it was he put under his pillow anyway.

Its us.

The photo. That was under his pillow. Its us.

Why? Why would he look at it. Why did he have it? He would of had to have had it on him. He never went home after dinner. But why?

"Good morning." He says behind me. I turn, with the picture behind my back. "Good morning. Want any breakfast?" He looks down at him self. So then I have to too. He's only wearing a towel. Oh god. "I've got to get dressed. But. After that sure." I have to some how get it back under the pillow without him noticing. His eyebrows go up. "You gonna watch me get dressed?" Shit. "No. I just had to do something." And before I lose the nerve I stand. And put the picture back under the pillow. Then turn quickly. Leaving the room.

Cooking breakfast is easy. Mostly because I know what he likes. But whats not easy. Is whats going to happen. First. If he tells me. Im scared. Second. If he doesn't tell me. I'll never know.

He reluctanly enters the kitchen. Slowly pours himself a cup of coffee. Then goes and sits down. I bring him his eggs and bacon. He mumbles a thank you. And we eat in silence.

On his way out the door. I realize his ties crooked. "Hey, wait a second." I run over to him. Straighten his tie. Then go to walk away. When he grabs my elbow with one hand. And my wrist with another. And kisses me.

I don't even want a reason why he's doing this. I just want it to continue. So I grab his neck. And pull him closer by his jacket. He lifts me up and pushes me against the wall. I wrap my legs around him. Why? Why is this happening? I try and ask him. But it doesn't come out. The only thing that comes out is a soft moan from my lips. And right when im about to beg for more. He pulls away. "Im sorry. I have to go. But ill be back." He whispers. And leaves. With his hair messy. And his jacket unbottoned.

It kills me to wait for him. So I take a bath to get rid of the pressure. I just settle into the bath when my door is thrown open. "I love you!" He yells. I just sit there. What am I supposed to do? He kneals down by the tub and grabs my face, "I love you, so much." I look at his eyes, "then why? All those years. you did nothing." He kisses me. "Because, I didn't think I deserved you back then. My parents were going through a divorce. My ex was stalking me. I didn't think I felt that way about you. Until when your mom died. And you left. And said that you may not come back. When you left, I didn't know what to do. I was lost. I couldn't see the world the way I do when I'm with you." Did he just say all that? "What about your lunch?" Is all I say. "It was an exscuse to stay last night." I grab his jacket and bring him in for a kiss. He slides his hand down my neck. Over my back. Oh shit... Im naked. I stand up. Still kissing him. I lean down to grab a towel, but he's already there. Wrapping it around me. Then when I'm covered I wrap my legs around his lower back, he groans against my lips. I sigh, my face starts to get red, embarrassed. But if he heard he doesn't seem to care. He takes me to my bed and lays me down. All the way I'm thinking. Yes. Yes. This is happening. The guy who I've loved for so long, loves me back.