Ineffable (boyxboy)

Perturbed

A/N: perturbed, adjective, anxious or unsettled. A few fun facts: Zavier, in Arabic, means 'new house' or 'saviour', Almas mean 'diamond', 'adamant' or 'brightness', and Amir means 'from the top of the tree' or 'prince'. Above we have Amir! He's such a cutie pie! <3 I put his image and not Almas's because when you search for his casted celebrity, nothing comes up. Fulton Manuel.

Matthias's Point of View:

Sighing loudly, I get out of my mum's car, sling my bag over my shoulder and walk through the school gates, posture probably looking atrocious with how slouched I am. I had church yesterday, they talked about how sex before marriage is a sin, and I felt so furious because Renee had sex with her boyfriend of three years, and that doesn't make her a bad person, nor a sinner! She's perfectly fine, and if she felt ready, the priest, vicar, or pope have nothing to do with it. Anyway, it's been two days since I hugged Zavier at his house, and I've been quite tense ever since. I mean, I don't have anything on the line except someone who genuinely wants to help and talk to me for some other reason than my popularity... or maybe I'm wrong and he's using me?

I sigh and open my locker, putting my bag in there, noticing a pack of multicoloured fine liners - about twelve - that weren't there on Friday. I never leave pens in my locker anyway...

I pick them up and look at them. There's a note cellotaped to them: 'Writing in many colours help you to remember, thus making exams easier. Use them well, and take this as an apology! :)' it says, with a '- Z' at the bottom. I stare at it in disbelief for a few moments. Zavier.. apologised?! Oh my God, I thought he hated me! I squeal in delight and put them into the front pocket of my bag, careful so as to not crumple the sheet of paper his beautiful, cursive writing flows across.

I walk towards the playground to sit on the grass with the girls - just to tease them, chat them up, you know? Flirting is all part of being Mister Popular after all! I sit and talk to Adriana, despite how much my chest tightens - in a bad way, may I add - when she touches my biceps. I'd rather have a shy, quiet girl, who isn't so boisterous and show-offy, like Lacey Volkov, a girl in my English class who is Russian, and has a nice accent, or someone like... Zavier.

Oh, bloody hell! I can't be in love with him. That's sinful, like it says in Leviticus 20:13 - "if a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.".

My mother, quite a religious Christian, has been taking me to church since I can remember, where they taught this. I was.. what? Ten? And they were talking about how bad homosexuality is, and back then, I had a tiny crush on a guy called Alan, who had the prettiest green eyes and softest blonde hair, and I can remember detesting myself so I hid that disgusting, shameful part of myself and started flirting with girls, both a few years older and younger, as well as my age, to try and shake myself out of this phase. Apparently it hasn't worked.

What is it that's so great about Zavier? I lay down. His cloud-coloured grey eyes, soft ginger hair, creamy pale skin, slim, slightly muscular figure, sense of style... I roll over onto my side with a sigh, staring at the chain link fence that separates the grassy area from the football pitch. What could be so sinful about loving Zavier? The love I feel for him is pure, there's no lust (yet), which is surprising, considering how much of a literal sex demon I am, and I feel attracted to him through his personality, his looks are a bonus. Could that kind of love really be punishable by death?

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Zavier's Point of View:

"Zav!" someone calls. I turn away from my locker and see Matthias running towards me, a grin on his face, but there's something a little wrong with it... his eyes don't have the usual cheerful light and playful glint in them. I frown.

"Zav?" I ask, one of my ginger eyebrows raised.

He laughs, not one that's full of life, like it usually is, but one that just about manages to sound unforced, "Nickname. You can call me Mat now. I think we've reached that stage!" his voice is strange, quieter than usual, the pleasant ring in it sounds so forced, or maybe my feelings for him are making me overthink and over analyse his behaviour.

My feelings are unnatural anyway.

"Cute." I say and roll my eyes, in an affectionate manner, before turning back to my locker and sorting out my books. He stands behind me. I turn. "Something the matter?"

"I just... I kind of wanted to know if we're still going to meet each other for tutoring?" he asks, almost timidly, and I feel the sudden urge to wrap my arms around him and protect him from whatever is hurting him right now.

The akhirah, Zavier. Think about Jannah and Jahannum.

I nod, "Tutoring is still on." I say, closing my locker and leaning against it. He looks uncomfortable, as if he feels out of place. My frown deepens. "Come with me." I say, and lead him to a deserted part of the school.

He looks at me, blinking owlishly, "What's the matter, Zav?" he asks. I blow out a long breath.

"I'm worried about you, Matthias. You're acting a little strangely." I say. He sighs deeply and looks at his hands, as if examining his nails, but he looks like he wants to cry.

"I guess... I guess I'm just feeling kind of shit. I've been overthinking stuff." he says with a shrug. I sit down, prompting him to.

"Okay, and what are these things?" I ask. Oh, Allah, I sound like a therapist.

He hesitates, "You're really religious, you wouldn't understand."

I give a short bark of laughter, "Nope. I don't really know where I stand in the religious aspect of life."

"Ah, okay." he cracks a smile, before it fades, "Look, you can't tell anyone about this. I'd be hated, bullied for it."

"I promise." I say.

"Okay..." he blows out a breath and looks down, as if he's scared of my reaction, "I think I'm kind of... gay?"

A/N: That seems like a good place to end this chapter! Don't worry, they'll solve their inner struggles with homosexuality and religion soon. I have it all planned out. Until next time! <3