Ugh

My First Heartbreak

Is this love? Is this hate? I'm not sure, but I know it's fate. Your smile, your eyes, oh how they haunt me. I can't get you out of my mind, you obviously don't want me. I wish you were here, I wish you were near. I don't think you like me, in the same way. I am scared of what comes next, I'm not ready for that day. That day when the history begins again. You aren't texting back, haven't responded. I know you're ignoring me, don't worry, I'm used to it. I'm cool and calm and collected as they may think. On the inside I am exhausted and tired from all your bullshit and lies and things. I thought I loved you, but now I don't know... Yes I do, I will always love you. I can't just get over you as if nothing happened. I used to think of you as my first love, but now it seems more accurate to call you my first heartbreak. You definitely were a great friend... Because that's what we were, just friends, right? I don't think so, we had more than that. Yet now you're ignoring me, my heart has broken back. I can't help but cry myself to sleep every night, losing sleep over you, wondering if you miss me, I hope you do. I hope you feel the same pain as me, because it hurts too much for others to see. Ever since you left, I can't sleep at night, keeping myself busy with homework and self hatred. I try to keep you out of my mind, although it's practically impossible when we had such a magical time. I remember every look you gave me, I remember every touch, the way your voice fluctuated when you were talking about something you loved. I remember every time you grazed my arm perhaps, I still feel the butterflies, I still feel this pain inside my chest when I think of you. I honestly don't know why I can't get you out of my mind, do I miss you? Yes. Why? I have no idea. I never have believed in love at first sight... But I felt that way towards you from the beginning. I would always try to get near you, all the time. My original impression of you was, " wow, she seems nice. Maybe we should become friends, I want to learn more about her." But as time progressed, I got too interested in you and your eyes, and I got lost.