To Henry.

February 22, 2016 11:35 pm

It's Monday night, finished studying. Today was hell, people at least 5 people asked me if i was ok and I just nodded my head yes. I wasn't ok actually I was sad,devastated. It hit me today that it's been one month and a week since I last saw you. A month since you broke up with me. I have a lot of time to myself now. Most of the time I think about you. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because it sucks that after a month I still can't get over you. I wish I had high vocabulary to express how I feel right this second. I'm lonely now, I talk to myself way to much now. I stop caring about people texting me now because now I know that none of those text messages will be you. Nadia pointed our something to me awhile ago, it wasn't directly to me but she said "if I were you I wouldn't want a relationship where I'm dating my phone instead " and that spoke to me. We never really had a relationship because we only saw each other once a week and texted everyday nonstop. And I feel like when we do hangout we don't have anything to say because it was likely I already said that it in person. Lately the more I think about you the more I wish nothing happened between us. I wish this because I lost a great friend. The only person I loved to text. The person who I trusted the most. The person I was too afraid to call (one of my) best friend knowing that you have your own living in savannah. I know I shouldn't say this but I'm was jealous of the friendship of you and Ruth. You guys are so alike, you guys are always laughing and have the best time of your lives, I wish we had that type of relationship. It still makes me jealous til this day that you're texting her and probably facetiming her and have multiple laughs. But I understand, she's your best friend and that's what bestfriends do. I don't know if this is appropriate or not but I still can't believe you were my first, you know how insecure I am about my body but the fact that I was with you made me feel like it doesn't matter how I look like. I still smile when I think about it." That my aśshoe" it still makes me laugh. But the second time was the time I felt very insecure I didn't want to look bad and I still feel embarrassed about my body hair especially the ones on my boob, got that trait from my dad lol either way when I think about I get embarrassed like omg wtf I don't know why I didn't force him to turn off the lights. Sometimes when I'm with my family I'm just thinking omg they still think I'm a virgin and not a hoe. My favorite is the 1st time where I had to act normal in front of so many people idk how you pulled it off I couldn't. I've noticed even tho it was twice you become are very touchy and quite afterwards it felt nice especially when you were so close to me at your sisters dinner. I was so happy, never thought you would show affection out in public. I miss our bobba tea hang outs and vanilla chai from dd. I miss your lips I miss your laugh I miss your laugh I miss the way you would you kissed me I miss you. But now it's time for me to actually move on. You haven't texted me for a week and I told you that if you don't make an effort then I won't. I'm closely and slowly giving up. But when you do text me I know I'm getting thrown back into the cycle and feel shîtty once again. I hate this feeling and knowing that you're doing just fine without me you're doing better probably you're probably happy you're probably have the best time of your life you're probably talking to someone new or old like lissette. I hated that I saw how flirtatious you were with her and how you weren't with me. I remembered that you still owe me a date to Olive Garden like you promise me when o was craving pasta when I was in Orlando looking for a restaurant to eat at. We never went on a date I've noticed we just hung out. I wish you dressed up and told me dress up we're going on date. That would've made me happy but knowing you so well I knew you would never tell me that. I knew all along that we weren't going to last. But I didn't know we were going to end so soon. I feel like I was the cause of it. I feel like me talking so openly about sex with you opened a door for us saying we're going to be do the nasty. If it wasn't for my hormonal teenage life we would've just stayed good Homies. I do miss you and I hope you miss me as much as I do. I feel like you don't but it's okay. Well at least you moved on. At least you're happy and living life. I just wish myself the best to get over you soon. Goodnight ❤️