Goodbye (SVU Fanfic) | on hold |

One

Olivia laid awake in her bed, unable to get those sounds out of her head.

The gun.

Elliot yelling.

The thud of Jenna's body.

She had seen some pretty gruesome things in her day but tonight...she really would rather forget it.

Elliot was awake, lying the same exact position as his partner - soon to be former partner. He was staring at a similar off-white ceiling, thinking similar thoughts.

Except for one: former partner.

He couldn't just leave her like that. But he had to leave SVU. He could not bear the pain the work he did brought anymore. It wasn't about winning against the bad guys. It was about trying endlessly to get even. And he never could make it. There would always be those bad guys. And he didn't have the heart for it. Olivia did. She was born to do it. And he would always feel inferior to her.

He couldn't leave her like that. That's all he kept thinking.

He had to let her know.

Before he knew it, he was up, out of bed. He dressed quickly and grabbed his keys.

Olivia was startled. Actually, more than started when her phone rang.

"Benson," she answered, oh so not ready to go out again. Not this quickly after words.

"Hey it's me." His voice brought a comfort to her that even she couldn't understand. "I'm outside. Buzz me in?"

"Y-Yeah. One sec."

She hung up and went to do what he asked. Moments later, he was at her door. She opened it for him and he came inside. The look on his face was one very similar to hers: exhausted.

"Couldn't sleep?" Olivia asked.

"Of course not."

"Well, I don't know what help I'll be with that."

"You're a good distraction," he said. It wasn't a line he was trying to use flirtatiously, it just happened. But that's how it was between the two. Flirting on the DL, even though anyone who stepped foot in SVU could see their chemistry.

Olivia didn't let the line go unnoticed in her head. Did he just...?

Mhm. He always did.

"Say the same thing for you. Though I don't know if I would go all the way to Queens to-"

"I had to talk to you," Elliot interrupted.

Olivia was taken back at his bluntness. Elliot Stabler never 'needed to talk'. He never shared his thoughts or opinions openly unless it came up in a case. But his personal thoughts and feelings were uncharted territory.

"Oh. Okay," Olivia replied, rather nervously. "Want a beer?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"Make yourself at home," she said, turning to her refrigerator.

Elliot took a seat on the far end of the couch. Olivia came back with two opened beers and sat on the other side. Her right leg was tucked under her and the other was bent in front of her, foot between two couch cushions.

"What's going on?" she asked, taking a sip.

Elliot was turned to face her, but didn't know quite what to say.

"I...I, um, I've done a lot with the NYPD. And with the Marines. I've seen a lot, hurt a lot, and been hurt a lot. It...It's life. It happens. But I e tried so hard to keep it from happening. That's my problem. I want things my way. And things don't go my way. Never. They don't have to. They won't because my way is impossible. And that has caused a lot of damage. With work, my marriage, my friends, my family. And I didn't want it to. But I've hurt everyone. And I...can't let it keep happening."

He took a breath, sneaking a look at her. Well, 'sneaking' wasn't a good word, because she was already looking at him. She watched him intently, her head cocked ever so slightly to the side. Her curled locks around her shoulders.

"El," Olivia said, when he didn't say anything. "You help so much."

"I know, but I destroy. More than you'd care to admit."

That was true. She knew he hurt her. He hurt his ex wife. He hurt his kids. But she always justified it. Probably because she was in love with him, but didn't want to admit that to herself.

She was sickened by her own excitement when the divorced was finalized. She was sad, obviously, but she told herself 'she was glad to see Elliot with a weight off his shoulders'. Their divorce was mutual but struck deep. By the time everything was in order, they had both accepted that it was for the best.

She found her voice again. "But it doesn't mean that-"

"Yeah. It does. Liv, I didn't make my decision lightly. Not at all. But...ugh, Liv. I don't mean to keep causing damage. This is my last round of bullets. And this last one is going straight to NYPD. To SVU. Or, away from it."

"What are you saying?" Olivia said, fearing the worst.

"I'm leaving SVU. I put my papers in."

She felt like that bullet was aimed straight at her. Not her work. It was aimed at her.

"Y...You what?"

"I'm sorry, Liv. I thought you deserved a goodbye."

"B-But..." she started to say. But stopped. Who was she to tell him no? He could do whatever he damn well pleased and this, she knew, was not an easy decision. He had to. And after everything he has done to help his country and community, he deserved it. "Okay. We'll miss you, El."

Elliot might as well have turned that symbolic bullet into a real one so he could shoot himself. The woman who had been practically his right hand for 12 years was crumbling in front of him.

He scooted forward immediately. "But I'm not leaving you, Liv."

She looked at him with such confusion, still trying to hide her pain. "What?"

"I still need you. I can't function without you next to me. That's how we work."

She still wasn't understanding anything. A bomb was just dropped on her and she didn't fee she could find her way out of the debris it caused. One long year escaped her.

Without missing a beat, Elliot reached up and wiped it away. He didn't want to move his hand afterwords, so he didn't. He moved her bangs and cradled her head.

He loved her. He was in love with Olivia Benson.

And with that, he worked up his courage and connected their lips. For one last adventure.