I was done. At that moment in time my life had no purpose. I was sitting on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands. I cried out all my tears so any noise that left my mouth was just a loud sigh. I buried my head in my pillow and screamed as loud as I could. I took out the old letter that I had written 1000 times over. Tonight was the night I was gonna end my life. I went into the bathroom and dried my eyes. Washed my face and took a deep breath of cold air into my lungs. I grabbed my old friend, the razor out of the drawer and returned to my room. My room went dark and I could swear I was seeing into the depths of hell as I drug the blade across both of my wrist. I fell to the floor. I'm not sure what happened next because I woke up in an ambulance on my way to the hospital. "Callie, sweetheart, I need you to focus on my voice. We are gonna get you help" a nurse spoke into my ears as we arrived to the hospital. I passed out due to the lack of blood but woke up in a hospital bed. Alone in that cold room with bandages around my aching wrist. What have I done?
The next day the nurse and one of my two mothers came into my room. "Hello Callie, how you feeling?" Umm how do you think I'm feeling? I just attempted suicide but failed for god knows what reason? Now I'm in a hospital the most depressing place I've ever been, well the second most depressing place. The first is my own thoughts. So many things I wanted to say to this nurses idiotic question but I simply answered "fine" "that's great sweetie," my mother Lena began "but now that you're stable you're gonna have to go to group therapy for the next two weeks" great group therapy. I'd rather be anywhere else other than in a room, with other people, and a "doctor" trying to pick at my mind. Just I'd rather not. "Okay" I responded sharply. My goal was to answer quickly and shortly so this game of 21 questions could end faster. But no, the nurse and Lena stayed talking for what seemed like forever and half the time it wasn't even to me. They keep saying things like "Callie this and Callie that" as if I wasn't in the room and i needed a way to tell them to get the hell out. I decided being sleep was the best way and I rolled over and stayed still until they got the hint. "She's had a long morning, lets leave her for a while" a part of me was happy they were gone but apart of me was upset. Yeah leave a suicidal patient alone. I was surrounded by idiots.
Fast forward to the first day of group therapy. I haven't gotten any sleep the whole time I've been here. I don't know it's just something about a hospital that makes me want to crawl into a hole. I walk into the room where therapy is being held sit in the corner with my book and hope I can get through it. I sit and begin to read but half way through I feel someone lift up the cover of the book to the point where the tittle is facing up. "The hunger games" a deep voice reads. I was two seconds away from going the hell off but when I looked up I seen he was kinda cute so I let him make it. "My favorite of the series was Catching Fire but that's just me" he continues to talk even though I am ignoring him the whole time. I'm not sure if he is adorable or weird. "Attempted suicide I see from the bandages around your wrist. Yeah me too" I looked down at his arms to see nothing wrapped around this wrist. I was confused. He must have read my mind because he answered before I didn't dare ask. "I didn't cut my wrist though. No I swallowed a handful of pills. And now I'm here." He walked away. I appreciated his kindness and I was kinda disappointed he left. Though I didn't speak I felt as if I was really talking to him.
Therapy went quick with nothing but sitting in a circle while that boy i was talking too makes faces from across the room trying to make me laugh, and it worked. lunch came quicker though. The only good thing to eat was the ice. The lunchroom hospital food was gross and I didn't dare touch it. Other teens in this ward parents brought them food and stayed to support them but not mine. Nope. Mine just dropped me off here and left probably won't see them again till checkout day. I bet being alone all the time helped me go insane. I sit alone at a table dissecting the food with my fork when a familiar face sat in front of me. It was the kid from the therapy. "Don't touch that. Here you like ham?" He asked I nodded and he broke off half of his sandwich and gave it to me. I was confused wondering why he would split half his sandwich with someone he barely knew. I smile that was my way of thanking him. I wanted to speak but couldn't find my voice. "So what's wrong with you" I took a sharp breath in. No one has every asked me nor been so blunt with me. I didn't know if I was impressed or disturbed. I managed to find the words to speak "anxiety, depression, suicidal, must I go on?" He seems happy to hear my voice for the first time "me too" was all he said and I understood completely. He broke the silence with "You better act like you're just fine or you will be sleeping in this place for a while." I responded quickly with "not like I've been getting much sleep at all. This hospital is not my kind of place you know" he took a bite of his sandwich and nodded understandingly. "You like music?" He asked. Where did that question come from? "Uh yeah" I said trying to hint that I didn't get why he was being so random. "What kind?" He asked like he didn't just change the whole subject. "The fray, sleeping with sirens, imagine dragons, maroon 5 mostly anything with a rock band sorta sound. But the fray is my favorite" he nodded "Im Brandon by the way" "Im Callie." then he literally got up and left. What? I am so confused. I continued to eat the rest of the sandwich he gave me still trying to wrap my head around this.
Here we go to another sleepless night. I lay in the hospital bed looking at the patterns in the ceiling waiting once again for it to be morning. Seems like time was creeping by because I'd look at the clock every thirty minuets and only 4 minuets has passed. I turn to my side and look out the window when i feel two warm hands grab my waist causing me to jump in surprise "relax, Callie, it's me" I sigh in relief that it is Brandon but begin to question the reason he is here. He calms my questions my saying "I brought my guitar. You said you were having trouble sleeping so I decided I'll sing you to sleep." My eyes watered at the gesture. "Thank you I don't know what to say" "don't say anything just listen" he began to play the song How To Save a Life by the fray and his singing was amazing. After the song was over he came over and held my hand. "Are you okay? I know you're not so tell me what's on your mind" it's so great having someone who understands. I wasn't even sad but hearing someone ask what's wrong made me break out into tears. I told him everything. From my depression to my cutting, to my self consciousness, to my anxiety. And he just nodded and understood it all. When I was finish he grabbed both my hands looked into my eyes and said something that made my heart stop "Callie, you are beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful and that includes your bandages, your scars, your mental issues, everything." He lifted up my sleeve revealing my scars from times I've cut and he kissed them. Each cut and each scar. He kissed the things that I hated the most about myself. He looked me in my eyes and I swear time stopped for at least 5 seconds. "You're beautiful" he said as he cradled my face and kissed me. He held me for the rest of the night. And didn't leave until he knew I was sleep. In his arms I felt safe. I had no trouble falling asleep that night.
