A Look Inside My Mind

1

     There are a lot of things that help people to define each other: how we dress, intelligence, attractiveness, actions, and even the sound of our voices. Sometimes, I have just had enough of it. I know the world isn't going to change, but sometimes it's nice to just imagine. I'm not very attractive; I have a somewhat deep voice for a girl; and I definitely don't have the body that most people seem to be drawn to. Also, I'm a pessimist about 89.7% of my life, but I own up to it. I accept that fact that I can be a complete witch. That I'll most likely end up alone. I'm fine accepting who I am because I know that I can't change it. What I'm not fine with is people who I would consider friends getting down on me for the smallest things. I'm gonna go back a few year. Picture this. It's eight grade year. A slightly overweight brunette and her friends are sitting a picnic bench talking about a topic which is unimportant. The brunette, who had be previously dozing  off, snaps her head up when she hears someone mention her name. One of her guy friends, who doesn't know that she is listening, says, "Yeah, she is way too mean and aggressive for anyone to ever like her." How could her "friend" say this about her? What has she ever done to him? She just walked off and forgot about it the next day, though she felt slightly uneasy around that friend. Skip forward to the middle of ninth grade. The brunette girl was so proud of herself. She had friends. She was doing great in her classes. She was in the school choir having so much fun. Her best friend actually liked her and wasn't just pretending to be friends with her like had happened in the past. Life was good. Then, the brunette is sent into a downward spiral. She started getting a crush on someone. She was so confused. She couldn't tell anyone because she was scared that someone would make fun of her. She wouldn't be able to handle that. She had no one to turn to. She was all alone. Two months later, the crush had faded away, but it had been replaced with a stronger attraction to someone else. She almost told her friends, but the fates would make her lucky that she didn't. It is now about four or five months into this slightly more overweight brunette's sophomore when all hades breaks loose. The girl that the brunette had considered her best friend had told her something that the brunette felt she had to talk about with someone else. The brunette told this other person that they needed to talk to the "best friend" because the "best friend" needed to get something off of her chest. This started a small war. The "best friend" started to avoid the brunette. Friends started taking sides. It was horrible. This one girl that the brunette had never liked started talking smack about the brunette and because she wasn't there to defend herself, people believed the witch. The brunette is attending a boarding school far from home. She had lost almost all of her connection to her roots, and she felt like she was losing herself. She became a bit more drawn in, and she wasn't as outgoing as she used to be. Then she realized that she needed to move on. She started becoming good friends with some people in her classes and her roommate. And that's where she is now. Laying in bed. Writing this story. Anyway, before that tangent, I was trying to make a point. Like I was saying. I am now fifteen years old. I have a low self-esteem from all the times people have talked about me. I almost never compliment myself. When others give me compliments, I tend to try to deflect them because I almost always believe that the person complimenting me is lying. If I'm having a conversation with someone, or if I'm texting them, I won't try to grab their attention because I don't want to annoy them. The second attraction I had in ninth grade year is gone. But there is a new one, unfortunately. I have know this guy for a little while, but I haven't been able to talk myself into talking to him. I know I sound like a broken record, but that comment about no one ever liking me got to me. Now I basically am like that picture. I believe that there are no verifiable reasons that anyone would actually like me or want to be with me. The only way someone would date me is if I begged. This mindset is not good for anyone. I wish people just weren't rude or oblivious. Maybe one day, someone will be able to accept the flawed trash that I am. Maybe.