FEBRUARY 29TH 8:47 PM
hey its me im back. idk what to say i never do. i still have this weird feeling eating away at me, but i cant explain it in anyway possible. idk if its im scared that my bf is gonna break up with me or if its the fact my best friend said he was moving back and hes the reason im bi. i DONT have feeling for him anymore or at least i dont think i do. ever time i think of him and the good times we had i get so sad and i think about cutting but then i think of my mawmaw and what she would do if she seen it. then the follow up questions. that would lead to me being bi and shit which she knows i am i told her, but she just told me no im not and that its an abomination under god and im just like ok ( i died a little on the inside). if she found out about my bf she would be devastated and disappointed in me and all i have done my whole life was try and make her proud of me and then i go and do this im so ashamed. her opinion is the only one i cared about but now if she knew about him the only other person i truly love in this world she would be ashamed and blame herself. anyways my mom on the other hand is okay with it. she had to move with my half little brother up to this motel in ringgold thats the only reason she let me move in with my mawmaw here in summerville and now she said she might be moving back down here to what i call my home town lafayette. that means i will have to move back in with he. mawmaw said i wasnt going to that i was her's now but idk if i wanna move back in with her she lets me go hang out with friends and stuff and mawmaw wont shes way to protective. also here at my mawmaw my bf would never be allowed to come over and i barely see him as it is, but at my moms she might let him come over or let me go visit him at his house but idk because if i did move in with her and she wouldnt let this happen i would never see him again and i cant do that again. what i mean by again is that my best friend and i met in lafayette 3 years ago didnt start off to hot but we eventually became best friends. then he left and it almost killed me and he then was able to come visit his step dad and we could hang out then but as soon as he was told he was gonna move back i the had to move her never to see him again. half way through 6th grade i started to think of him in a different way. then by some chance he ended up here in summerville around the same time. i was so fucking happy my life started to be more bright and loving. but then after all the fun was had reality had to come up and bite me in the ass and take him away AGAIN i was devastated. this was when i finally admitted it to my self that i loved him . yes he was my first guy crush the reason i started to like guys to begin with and he was now gone never to be seen again. life went on the his ex step brother told me one day he was moving to Florida i almost died. the he says he wasnt but he was put in foster care like thats any better. then i actually talked to him my self and he told me he was coming back, but........................ that was about 3 months ago and have not heard a word from him. o shit sorry didnt mean to go this far just got emotional with this one and everything, but idk i want him back her but i dont what would happen between us because i dont love him anymore i dont think, idk
GOODNIGHT
Kole Cordell
