one summer at the lake house | #Wattys2016 #tbpa2016

VII. her

h e r  s u n d a y;

   My eyes fluttered open to see Edison peacefully sleeping in my arms. A small smile spread across my lips as I reached up and pushed a few strands of chestnut hair out of his face. He stirred slightly and pulled me tighter to him.

   My happiness was short lived when I let the details of the night set in. I had succumb to my own longing to be loved and slept with Edison. An innocent soul who in no way deserved to have his virginity taken by me. Someone so unstable and unreliable.

   "I'm so sorry," I whispered into his hair as I nestled up to him. I took advantage of how much he cared, his desire to be loved and understood. The guilt began to create a pit in my stomach and I glanced at the time. It was nearing two in the morning and panic began to spread.

   I slowly wriggled my way free from Edison's grasp. I pulled my dress on and picked his cardigan up from the floor. I folded it and as I went to set it on the windowsill the necklace he had gotten me glimmered in the moonlight.

   I reached up and lifted the cool metal in my hands, looking down at the small L. The crystals glimmering in the moonlight. I unclipped the piece of jewelry from behind my neck and placed it gently on top of the cardigan.

   I quietly stepped out of Edison's room and down the stairs. The drive back to my own cabin was lonely. I was so overcome with shame it was unnerving. I had just cheated on a boyfriend who had never done anything to wrong me. The only thing he was guilty of was not caring enough, something I couldn't blame on him.

   Edison made me feel, new. I couldn't quite place the feeling but he was too good to be true. I knew that in the long run I would only hurt Edison. I was already broken and there was no going back. At least that's how I used to feel. After spending this time with Edison, with a person who cared too much, I learned I was worth something. A feeling I hadn't known since my mother passed away.

   I stepped inside of our cabin, closing the screen door gently. I snuck into the master bedroom and slipped off my sandals. I snatched my phone from my nightstand and set an early alarm. I crawled into bed, still in my dress, and cuddled up to Dillion. The toddler wriggled but fit comfortably in my arms.

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   The next morning I awoke to my alarm blaring and Dillion beginning to whimper beside me. I quickly silenced my phone and lulled the toddler back to sleep. I snatched some clean clothes from a drawer and headed to shower.

   I dressed in shorts and my denim top, ready to return home. I packed mine and Dillion's things and then headed to do the same for the kitchen. While loading everything I noticed a picture of myself and my mother that was attached to the fridge. I took it down and placed it in my back pocket.

   Though I felt terrible for what I did to Edison and to my boyfriend back home something was different. I hadn't been happy with myself in so long, I was beginning to think that was the life I would grow to know. Edison changed that, he made me feel like I could be so much more. This didn't stop me from feeling guilty, feeling like I owed Edison something, anything.

    I moved to sit down at the dining room table, bringing a pen and a pad of paper with me. "I'll write him a letter. That's a good idea," I mumbled to myself. This would be the only way I'd be able to get my feelings out and not have to face Edison. I made it clear last night that when I looked at my problems head on I succumbed to the dark me inside.

   I mulled over the letter for the next hour. Not sure what exactly to write. Soon Pop came hovering over me. I leaned over my paper, covering it with my arms. "What!?" I asked him, my cheeks beginning to flush.

   Pop smirked as he shrugged. "Nothing, we're heading out soon so wrap up."

   I nodded as he went to carry his things out towards the car. I didn't want to explain to Pop or anyone how I had treated Edison and the fact that I was going to leave him with a lame letter and barely an explanation.

   Jackson had been avoiding me nearly the entire morning, barely taking the time to interact with me besides a few questions here and there. I had finally had enough as I abruptly stood from the table. I grabbed his wrist as he passed me, dragging the cooler. "What?" He barked.

   "Why are you mad at me?" I pleaded not wanting to fight with my brother any longer.

   He groaned before he shook his arm free of me. "I'm just disappointed that's all," Jackson responded. Though he didn't have the right to be so in my business he only did it because he was worried about me.

   I nervously tucked my blond strands behind my ears. Before I could speak Jackson snatched the letter I was attempting to write from the table. He held it out of my grasp as he asked, "What's this!?"

   "A letter to Edison!" I whined as I tried to reach the flimsy paper. The first step to trying to fix me was to start being honest.

   Jackson sighed before handing the sheet over to me. I took it before I raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You're not going to reprimand me?" I questioned not sure if I bought the idea of Jackson not heckling me for something.

   He exhaled deeply before saying, "Do what you want Lo. Just think about what you're saying to this guy. Alright?" Jackson reached over, tucking more of my hair behind my ear. I jerked lightly, nervous by how sweet he was attempting to be.

   Jackson continued on his way to pack the car. I gripped the letter in my hand as I moved outside to sit on the short porch. The three men who would love me no matter how I wronged them moving around me while they finished loading the car. My eyes scanned the letter double checking each word, each sentence, each emotion. It had to be perfect:

Dear Edison,

I'm sorry I'm an absolute train wreck.

It took me seven tries just to get this damn letter right. I'm still not sure if I'm going to give it to you. Maybe it's best I don't so that I can feel guilty and hate myself more but because I care for you so much I'm going to try and word this right.

You deserve better.

Now when I say that it's not for an easy way out. I want to be better for you Edison. I want to prove that I can be who you deserve, I just can't be that girl right now.

You are the most incredible person I have ever met. It took less than a week for me to fall for you, you're that amazing.

I want to clarify; I'm not in love with you Edison.

But I want to fall in love with you.

And I don't expect you to wait for me but I hope that when I'm ready, you'll give me a second chance.

Logan Bishop
The girl you thought was indestructible.

I read the letter one more time before I tucked it away in an envelope I had found in a kitchen drawer. I wrote Edison's name on the front and sealed it.

"HEY LO WE'RE LEAVING!" Pop called from the bronco.

I chewed at my bottom lip as I looked at the letter. That's when I decided I didn't want to give it to Edison. I didn't want him to wait around for me, I wanted him to move on. If we were meant to be then it would happen when the time was right.

   I wanted to fix myself first.