Tear In My Heart

The Beginning

It wasn't some catastrophic moment that taught me one of the most powerful lessons of my life. I have learned that unbelievably awful things can and do happen. In truth they are not such rare,isolated events. Each of us has a story that would break someone's heart despite the grief and unfairness of it all. We all keep going.

School has always been hard. A constant wait until the day is over and then finally Walking to the large green gates at the end of the day to meet the person who makes this place a whole lot easier, my friend. I wouldn't say best friend because she won't always be around, soon enough she'll be gone. Everyone is temporary because everyone leaves. I have to say out of everyone I've ever taken up conversation with she is the one who understands me best. But Sometimes people think they know you. Even though they only know a few facts about you and they will piece you together in a way that makes sense to them. and if you don't know yourself very well you might even believe that they are right. But the truth is that isn't you. That isn't you at all.

I have other friends too, we're  that isolated lonely group which everyone avoids and tries not to socialise with. Anyway, I have this friend. I cannot express my feelings for this person. Yes I know. It sounds stupid, there not just little feelings, they are big. Since the day I met him i have felt nothing but love for him. Yet he sees me as nothing but a friend. But you see I've tried to ignore these feelings, to avoid any trouble that it will cause, they're feelings. They'll just go away right? Well I'm not even sure I love him, well I do. But how do you know when you truly love someone? Maybe it's when they make you see the beauty in the things that you once thought were ordinary? I don't know.

Anyway as we walk home through the park together and past the duck pond, this is the point Where she will meet up with her boyfriend, I usually fall behind and watch them walk hand in hand home. But it's okay because I'm used to that feeling. That temporary feeling of only being needed when someone doesn't have a better option, the person they only go to when they need something or want attention and knowing that I'm naive enough to give it to them.

As I push my key into the door and twist as I push the handle up and then carefully press my hand against the pane on the door being as quite as I can to try not to wake my dad. Isn't it sad that I have to live a life of silence because of single person. Anyway again closing the door and twisting the key to lock again and place my bag on the banister as i walk up the stairs leaving a trail of my coat and shoes on each step. I reach the top of the stairs and am greeted by nothing but my bedroom door.
Returning to the isolated silence of a bedroom. Trapped by four walls full of faces of the bands I listen to. Pushing my drawers in front of my door, surprisingly I don't feel as trapped I feel more secure. No one can enter and I can only leave if I have the strength. Throwing myself onto my bed i lay on my back staring at the ceiling for what feels 5 minuets to turn into an hour of my thoughts feelings regrets hatred and we all know what this leads to. I don't want this to lead to anything but sometimes my thoughts will overpower everything in my life. They just take over and I can do nothing about it. I just feel numb. I feel like I can't move. It's strange that with all these feelings I have rushing around my body I feel nothing. I want to feel. Something, I need to feel something. I do. I feel alone, but sometimes I feel that being alone is better, we all have to learn that being alone is healthy and you need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person. But this doesn't mean I'm not craving the affection of you. I really just need you to hold me. To tell me everything will be okay.