i hate that moment, in the middle of the night, when you know you won't get any sleep. you lay there, staring at the ceiling, seeing nothing but the moonlight quietly slipping in through your window, feeling nothing but the smooth material of your bedsheets, hearing only the ringing in your ears. you try to close your eyes, but your mind is racing. old memories resurface, thoughts that were hidden away sneak up on you. remnants of forgotten nightmares scare you into staying awake for just a little longer. dreaming of impossible scenarios makes time speed up until dawn breaks and light shines on your darkened mind. a wave of realization washes over you, and reality sets in. time for responsibility. time for this. time for that. what about time for appreciation? what happened to caring? what happened to having enough hours in the day? what happened to passion? what happened to choice? what happened to possibility around every corner? when did all of our questions stop having answers? when did we learn how to live in the present? why did we stop dreaming? why can't we do anything without being reprimanded or shamed? why is it okay to use people? why isn't it okay to need people? some struggles are on the inside, and most of the time, those are the ones that matter. anxiety takes over your head and depression joins this party and your mind is being destroyed because these illnesses are drugs and happiness feels wrong and you feel lonely and you have to stop the party but the music is too loud and it won't stop it won't ever stop because they're having fun destroying you and then you're shaking because the anxiety and depression are filling up your head with more thoughts more useless thoughts more thoughts that don't matter and thoughts that will never matter but they matter to you and that's what's awful. everything matters to you, yet you don't think you matter to anything. then there are those moments when a song comes on and your heart skips a beat in your chest because the party is ending the music is stopping and you're happy. and then, the song ends. the darkness resumes because the lights shut off. but the mess isn't cleaned because no one is there to clean it up for you. they don't see those demons in the darkness so they tell you to clean up the mess yourself. they don't understand and they never will because they're blind and ignorant and until you show them what they can't see they will not see it. no one ever does.
[june 18 2016]
