Confessions of an in Love Blogger (Complete)

Chapter 7: Confessions

Confession #73: Is there such a thing as too much emotion? I mean I care but I feel like I'm holding back the relationship progression. Like I'm over complicating things but how are you supposed to be able to tell your future about your past after all of the pain and fear that comes involved with it. I'm feeling hopeless and confused. Quote of the day: "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. Suess

I sat up in the middle of the night writing. It calmed me down. It's been about two days since Zoe left that night and we haven't really spoken since. "I don't know Lai'. I mean I remember how hard it was for you to tell me what happened to you. But from a man's perspective Lai' it is a big thing to spring on them in the middle of the night." I knew Rocqi was right and I knew it was something that should have been discussed. I just wish it could've been in a better way. "It's gonna be okay honey just give him some time." I sighed. "Thanks Rocqi. I gotta go." I hung up and was making my way in from the balcony. I heard the door. There were only four people with a key to my place. LB, my dad, Airec and Zoe. All for emergencies. I stood there holding my breath, phone in hand silently praying it was the one person I wanted to see.

He walked in and didn't see me standing there. I stood there unable to move or say anything. I opened my mouth twice but nothing came out. After taking his jacket off and hanging it up. He turned and just looked at me. I finally just broke down and cried. I missed him. I had this feeling of relief and pain. I just had the urge to cry. I cried because of my past, the pain, the loss of my unborn child, my struggle with it and everything I work through today. I cried because my soul needed it. He dropped his head and shoulders and slowly made his way over to me. I wanted him to hold me and reassure me that we were fine but then I didn't want him touching me. Yeah I didn't share my past but can you blame me?

I stepped back and wiped my face. "Get off of me." He looked shocked. "I'm sorry Lai. But what did you expect after that?" "I have issues and inner demons I fight with everyday I knoe that but I didn't walk out on us. You did!" He sighed and ran his hands over his face. "I'm sorry okay. It's not everyday you find out your girlfriend was married and she didn't feel the need to share that in the beginning." I shook my head. "My past is not what I am. It's what happened to me." "I never said your past was the problem. What bothered me is the fact that you felt the need to keep that from me." "He hurt me! Me! Not you dammit! I went through hell everyday. I was abused in everyway possible everyday. I was in the situation with no help or a way out. Did you ever stop to think about how I fucking felt about it all. You couldn't have because you have officially been labeled as a class A asshole." I screamed.

Once I got that off my chest I grabbed a brand new bottle of tequila,my phone,a glass, a coke, and my icecream pushed past him and went in my room.

Half the bottle of tequila and coke, 1 pint of icecream and 2 hours of crying on the phone to Rocqi I was starting to sober up and feel sick. I ran for the bathroom and emptied the contents of my stomach. I heard him walk in wet a rag and place it on the back of my neck as he pulled my hair up and rub my back. Once I was reduced to dry heaving he undressed me, put one of his oversized t-shirts on me and laid me in bed. Eventually I cried myself to sleep while he held me and rubbed my hair soothingly.

I woke up the next morning feeling like hell. I was being held down by Zoe's arm. I slipped from under his arm and made my way to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror. I looked like hell. I smelled of alcohol nd puke. My clothes, hair and breath reeked of it all making me feel so dirty. I showered in steaming hot water. I stood there just thinking about a way to not let my past control everything now. I got out got dressed, brushed my teeth and decided to leave my hair curly. I made my way into the room in a towel. "Morning." I looked at him and smiled. "Morning." I walked to the closet to get dressed. I went with a pair of white ripped jeans, red crop top, and a pair of Jordans. I went to my vanity and put on a little make up.

"Can we talk?" I hear him say as I made my way down the stairs. "What is it you want to talk about?" I already knew he wanted to discuss these past few days and I wanted to get it over with I just couldn't find a way to start it. "Don't do this Lai'." I sighed. "Don't do what Zoe?" I was a little nervous to I kept myself busy by cooking breakfast. "Lai' don't shut me out. We have been together long enough for me to know when your shutting down on me. You won't even look at me!" I stopped and sat everything on the counter. I turned and faced him with my arms folded. "You have my undivided attention." I watched as he ran his hands down his face.

"I'm trying Lai'lanni I really am but your too stubborn to see when you have somebody who loves you right in your face. Your faulting me for something another nigga did to you. Not only any other nigga but your ex husband that you forgot to tell me about! How do you think that makes me feel? I'm laying by your side almost every night, spending time and money with you, we not having sex." I look at him. "Ian got a problem with that because I know your not ready and that's what you do for the people you love. It's nothing I wouldn't do for you but shutting down on me and not telling me things, I can't take. I can't do a one sided relationship."

I sniffed and wiped the few stray tears I had. "I'm tyring here Lorenzoe. I'm trying too. I didn't tell you about my ex husband because that's apart of my life I want to forget. Do you know how hard it is everyday to wake up wondering if the person that is supposed to love and keep you safe is in a good mood and won't beat your ass today or if you should be cautious. Walking on eggshells. Sleeping so lightly that the least little movement makes you jump. The sight of him makes you cringe and his touch makes your skin crawl or how about having to take ice baths and constant hospital visits because something was broken or you have so many scars and bruises people would swear you were attacked!" I took a breath. "I have tried everyday for the past 3 years to get away. To get away and stay gone. Each time Le'land found me. Each time it got worse. One day he finally snapped and almost killed me. Made me have a miscarriage and left me bleeding to death. Once I was released from the hospital and went to the trial he was sentenced to 5 years with my testament. My lawyers are trying for a retrial. He's not supposed to be getting out so soon. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if he finds me then this times he's gonna kill me. So cut me some slack because for all things holy I am fucking trying."