Future Words of Yesterday: Issue #4 (#wattys2016)

To All The Girls

I was fourteen years old.

I was socially awkward in large gatherings of strangers. I acted confident, don't get me wrong, but even minor things, like avoiding people I knew, made me awkward. I over-thought a lot of things and this was my biggest flaw.

My friends begged me to go to a party with them. It wasn't really a party, more like a teen club. At this age I wanted to be popular. This party would have increased my social status and I thought, therefore, it would have fixed all of my problems.

Preparation for this party included a D.I.Y face mask from eggs and milk. I had to shave my whole body. This resulted in ingrown hairs and cuts as I was inexperienced and a tad too shaky. I was only beginning puberty so my breasts were small and my butt was like two grapes. I didn't care about any of this until everyone else got their period and were 'fully-developed' except me. People were negotiating puberty as if it were the next big thing. It was a trend. People began to notice my lack of input and when I confessed that I was still 'period-less', they laughed. Tears streamed out of their faces and they turned scarlet. They heaved and spluttered. They laughed like I had just told the funniest joke ever.

I was tall and lanky and hated my body. You hear about people all the time hating their body, and I never thought it was true until I experienced low self-confidence. For the first time in my life, I actually cared about what other people thought. So, I did many extreme things because of this like drinking five cups of milk everyday and doing squats (keep in mind that I was far from fit so this really strained my muscles). My hair is frizzy, and I mean afro-frizzy. I tamed it everyday with a straightener. My hair now is thin and brittle. I was willing to accept the irreversible damage just so I could 'fit in'.

It was always hard to fit in as I live in a mostly 'white' community and I am a black, female Muslim. I put on an accent to fit in! I tried so hard to please everyone and a lot of the time I defied my own beliefs!

I'm not exaggerating when I say, my friends and I paraded around in eight inch heels. It was like a competition; the higher your heels were, the cooler you were deemed. We put on short dresses and caked our faces with makeup. I was uncomfortable and cold. Goosebumps prickled my skin. I felt insecure with the amount of skin I was showing. I felt vulnerable. But none of this mattered because I finally fitted society's views. I was finally beautiful.

It was a long drive to the party, about an hour. My friend's father (who was driving us) pretended not to hear us talking about 'feminine things'. I was shocked he didn't say anything to his daughter who was rambling on about her latest boyfriend. My stomach churned with anxiety and excitement. I was really doing this. I heard great things about this club and my expectations were set high.

We finally arrived. My friends and I anxiously waited in the car for any sign of people we knew going in. I spotted girls walking into the colossal hall with heels and promiscuous clothing.

I'd never judge a girl by what she was wearing. I didn't think they were, as my friend put it, 'sluts'. BUT I really doubted that they were wearing these clothes because they wanted to. I think it was because it would impress all the snotty teenage boys in the club.

After half an hour, we walked in. I spotted a few girls from my school and avoided eye contact. There was a dance floor right in the middle of the place and a 'bar' on the far right with complimentary cups of water. It had couches and high stools. There was a lounge at the back with more couches and a raised platform for dancing.

Another friend from my school walked up to me and asked if I wanted a joint (I jokingly suggested it a few months). I should probably tell you that marijuana is illegal in the country I am from. I was shocked that this intelligent, innocent girl from school was asking me this. I was even more shocked that she had access to weed because we were patted down at the door. She pointed to a door at the back and told me that was where everyone smoked. I doubted the chaperones standing by didn't know about this but why would they not do something? We were all minors! I politely declined and walked back to the friends I came with.

My friends, whom I came with, danced. I was beginning to get ticked off at the lack of order and law in this place. There were people drinking alcohol in front of the chaperones and all they did was watch. I looked around and saw a girl cornered into the wall by a boy. I was horrified by their intimacy in such a public place and shocked by the way they walked away from each other after their 'session'. The boy went back to his friends and the girl stayed in the corner. The boys pointed at the girl and laughed as she blushed. A small boy, young as well, tapped my shoulder and casually asked if I would 'go' with his friend.

Why was kissing and sex so casual? I thought it was meant to be a private, intimate moment(I learned this from TV) but why were people making out and snogging casually all around me. It seemed like it meant something for the girl but the boy just shrugged it off and went to his next prey.

Groups of boys kept bumping into us and grinding on us. I kept moving away. My friend got pissed off and gave out to me.

"Why do you keep moving away from any boys coming our way?! It's fun!" She said, sternly.

I tried to loosen up after that but I couldn't. How was everyone so blind?

Then something happened.

The same boy I refused to make out with walked up to me when I was separated from my friends. He reeked of alcohol and looked about seventeen. He, along with another friend, backed me into the wall.

"Why won't you snog me?"

"She's so stuck-up."

"Look at the state of her. She's so ugly."

That was the last straw. I walked away but not before he slapped my ass. This was the first time a boy ever made physical contact with me (I went to all-girl's schools) and it felt horrible. My confidence shattered. I told my friends and they laughed as if it were funny. One even shouted out "lucky" as if she were jealous that I was harassed.

"Loosen up a bit."

"Just go back to him and snog him. You need to get your first kiss!"

I spent the next two hours in the bathroom hiding. I hated the place and vowed not to go to it again.

I didn't love my friends any less though, even after the way they treated me. I understood they were blinded my peer's views. They thought it was the the way to act.

I'm not telling you this story to make you feel bad for me. It's more of a desperate plea.

I'm begging you. Please don't do things you don't want to do. Please don't let people treat you like shit. Please don't got through an extreme makeover just so you can fit in. And please, don't ever feel that because you are a female (or vice versa) that you don't have a say in things. The best thing I ever did was not kiss that boy. Your first kiss should be with someone you actually are about, whether it's a girl or boy. And last but not least, remember who you are and ask yourself does this person deserve me?

Love,

TheColorMint