So this is just my life basically in the past two years, about this boy who i really love but ever since it all, my lifes been screwed because so much happened. This may seem boring to you, im posting it because im trying to let go of it all and by writing it, im hoping it helps me. If you find it interesting then thank you for reading :). Its all true, its not edited or anything. I write whatever comes to my mind, but in the correct order. Its a little childish at first but trust me, the end is not what you expected, because its my life and i really didn't.
This is a big deal for me.
Letting go.
Admitting to everything.
Being honest with my self
Accepting myself for who I am
To accept myself for who I am and to let go of my past, I think I need to write it all down, truthfully. I need to be 100% honest to myself, to accept myself and to maybe feel like I'm letting go, hopefully.
So I did a lot of shitty things in the past two years lets say. I have even way before that, did many stupid things but 'this', the thing happening in the last two, and especially last year is what is haunting me. I'm starting from two years ago though, because that's when it all really started.
God I can't believe how long it's been. Okay so on April 7th 2012, Saturday afternoon...oh and also I believe it was during the term one school holidays. I only remember all this because I re-read our messages all the time, oh god so many times that I can see it in my head right now and the date was always next to it. Though anyway, on that day, it was a sunny day and I was sitting in the study room, which was also known as the 'computer room' and I was on Facebook. I made Facebook at the beginning of that year, January 4th 2012, I remember because it was my brothers birthday and I was so into Facebook since I had just made it that I didn't even bother much in my brothers birthday. I believe that was the day I started changing. Getting all distant, and I had only made my account a few hours ago.
It wasn't like getting a new game and then getting bored of it, so then you just left it lying somewhere. No, it was an addiction that never really went away for a long time. I wasn't even allowed to have Facebook, and until this day my parents don't know that or at least that's what I believe because if they did, I'm sure they would've busted me for it. I was only in year 7, and I was actually a very innocent girl. I was, I really was. I hardly spoke to boys, not through messaging or face to face, not unless it was necessary. I wasn't one of the girls who were good friends with the guys in the year level, I mean I knew some from primary and here and there but I was never close with them or anything, and nor did I have any interest to be.
So during just making Facebook, my friend who had also been urging me to make an account added me to this group that had all of our year level in it. I was so lost and I had no idea how it all worked, but everyone posted stuff and commented and I just read it. Guess I was much like a wallflower. I dared to comment once but god that was a total fail, oh and I did one other time because I was tagged in it, and it had something to do with 'him'. 'Him' though, was still some unknown stranger to me.
I was on Facebook, and I got a notification. I clicked it and it took me to that group page, and my friend had said I was a cute couple with that guy. I didn't know that guy at all, hell I didn't even know we were in the same school. But then again, he was two years older than me so I could've simply just not known him. I looked at his picture and I did not find him cute. I found him to be okay looking. But when I commented I exaggerated and said "ewwww", or something like that. Part due to the fact so people don't bag me about me and him and well I was just like any other twelve year old. My closest friend, she was my I guess you could say best friend but I kind of have an allergic reaction to the word 'best friend' but ill explain that later. Though this girl, was an amazing friend. We spoke all the time, we got really close in year 7 when I broke my ankle and no one would sit with me because I couldn't move since I was on crutches, yet she always stayed.
That was true friendship, right there. So anyway, her and I were talking and she was all like "just add him. Talk to him. You two would be sooo cute!!!" and all that. She was a real match maker that girl, and she was more determined and excited to make it work than I was. I won't lie, I ended up stalking 'him', I went on his profile a lot and his pictures and statuses and all that. The more I looked at him, the more I thought he was cute. I don't know if this was because of what my friend was saying that convinced me, or what I truly thought. I mean I was twelve. Either way, after hesitating and deciding, I finally sent him a friend request. I remember how nervous I got once I sent it, I half jumped on my chair and got all giddy, thinking if I should cancel it. I messaged her, my friend, right away and told her, freaking out with every sentence.
He accepted it and I freaked out again, and it was on the same day but later I think. I messaged my friend and asked what I should say. Suddenly I was so nervous and I didn't nor know till this day, why. I mean I had never spoken to the guy, I didn't even know him, why was I nervous? Was it just because I started to think he was cute? Or because talking to guys wasn't a normal thing for me? I don't know. Though I remember messaging either "hey" or "hi", I think it was "hey" though and sent a wink face. Oh my god. I cringe thinking about that. I always used the wink face because I liked it, little did I know it was kind of like flirting or at least that's what it was assumed and taken as.
He said hi back and asked if he knew me. I tried to sound like I didn't know him and I hadn't stalked him for hours and just said something about me not knowing, and then mentioned our school, acting like I had no clue he went there. He replied back saying he went there too. At the same time I was messaging that friend of mine in caps lock, asking "OMG HE SAID HI BACK, WHAT DO I SAY NOW??!!", and many other similar messages and she helped me. He was quiet, little did I know just like me and we didn't talk much after that. I tried to talk a little more, but he would give short reply's and I don't blame him, he hardly knew me or he just wasn't interested.
I kind of gave up and thought to myself "whatever". But from that short, and mostly boring conversation, I liked talking to him. That makes no sense does it? But I did, I found myself wanting to talk to him. I always tried coming up with lame ways to talk to him, like "hey do we have a day off today?" "This girl friend requested me on Facebook and shes only mutual friends with you, I don't know if I should accept her, got any clue who she might be?" and those conversations were really short and I waited forever to get a reply out of him.
When I realized he would just answer my questions and say nothing more, I would say I had to go, and most of the time I didn't. Those few sentences every now and then though would make my day, even my month. It meant nothing, maybe not to him but it did to me. And soon after, I realized I had a big crush on him and my friend was so happy. I remember she told me that Monday at school, that on the Sunday that had just passed was his birthday and I should've posted "happy birthday" or something but I didn't know and I only went on Facebook when I got the chance, because I had to hide it from my parents as well.
