Do you know what it's like losing everything at once? letting go of that one person who ment the world to you , a person who changed your life completely , a person who was a big part of it. Although she was just my bestfriend , after she left I felt dead. I didnt want to do anything , I wanted to be left alone . Without her it just wasnt the same. People thought it was stupid , they told me she used me but I know she didnt. She was my everything , she made me believe that I can achieve anything , she made me believe in myself. She was more than a bestfriend , she was like a sister, a mother and a lover. Seeing her happy ment everything to me , it was amazing , especially when I knew it was because of me. Words cant describe what she ment to me. She thought me that not all people are the same , unfortunetaly she had to move, when I first heard about that I broke down , I couldnt imagine my life without her . Waking up everyday , knowing I had one less day to spend with her was terrible, but we made the best out of it. I was always happy around her, I couldnt let her realise that I was falling apart because that would've made her feel bad. I kept it all inside, the longer I did that , the more depressed I got . I started self harming and crying every night. I know that tears and cuts wont bring her back, although I really wish they did. I couldnt stop , no mater how hard I tried, I couldnt. Self harm was the only thing that told me im still alive. I always shared my secrets with my bestfriend , secrets that nobody else knew about , just her. But I couldnt tell her about this , maybe because I was too scared or maybe because she wouldnt care anymore. She already had new friends and I was stuck here on my own . She forgot about me , I was no longer her bestfriend, she barely ever talked to me and when she did our converstations were short and boring. I was wondering to myself ... what happened to the girl I knew, the girl that was my bestfriend , the girl that promissed me we'll be bestfriends forever. People tried helping me , I do appreciate that , but I didnt need help , I just needed her. It's still hard to move on. Without her im scared of everything , I'm scared of people and I'm scared to live. I'm only 14 , I dont deserve to live that way. I tried telling myself so many times that shes just a bestfriend , that I will have more of them once I go to secondary school. But I just couldnt let go. It was like a nightmare. A nightmare without an end.
My life keeps getting worse , developing Generalized Anxitey and shit. I wish i was dead. Nobody understands what i go through. After my father left me i was scared to lose anybody else, but it happened. My bestfriend is gone. She has changed so much , she got new friends, I'm happy for her. I really am. We had an argument a few days ago , she told me she always makes me happy and that i can never do the same just because i wont tell her what's wrong with me. I do know ive changed, im not talkative anymore , i self harm and id rather be alone than be with anyone else. But I cant help it , I dont want to make her upset, they're my problems, she's happy and I dont want to make her feel sorry for me. It's my fault shes sad, it's always my fault. I wish i wasnt so stuck up and had more time for her . To talk to her.. but I just cant. Whenever i talk to her , i feel worse. Nothing can help me now. I would tell her about all my probelms if i could , but i can't and i dont really want to either. I'm old enough to deal with them by myself .
I wanted to find some way out of this , but i couldnt . Crying every night has became a habit by now. I try to stop myself from selfharming but i dont always succeed . Everyone thinks I'm such a happy person just because I always smile and pretend everything is okay. Nobody ever takes time to talk to me and realise how terrible i feel inside. How much i hate myself and how much I wish I was dead. But it's fine , I dont need anybody , I'll get through this by myself , I'm a strong person and I know that i will do it somehow. I went on a diet a few weeks ago because i was told I'm fat , I now have eating disorders and i hate myself for that . I'm fat , ugly , worthless and i deserve to die. I just want this pain to end.
