Needing to speak

The feels

~Just me getting things of my mind read don't read  your decision you won't hurt my feeling I do ask for no rude comments such as oh don't be such a little girl I hold shit in and I just want to let it out and if you have advice do please give it I could use it thank you.~

    I know people probably won't read this and if they do they will just roll there eyes and be like of whatever grow up life's a b***h. But it hurts and I'm so stressed if you don't know I'm 18 and a senior in high school I started my senior year by moving to a new state and going to a new school. I was dating this guy we were doing long distance but it just didn't work. My best friend in the whole world Darian Taylor aka Wolfy and I barley talk anymore if at all and that hurts if it wasn't for him I'd probably would have done something really stupid and wouldn't be here today. My old friend Michey well she thinks I'm going to still her boyfriend who also happens to be my ex so she and him don't want to talk to me...... I am trying my best to get through this last year I've been working hard trying to focus on graduation and passing the asvab so I can join the army or airforce. But with things right now it feels like I'll never be doing enough I'll never be good enough..... I know that sounds stupid and that everyone feels that way but I don't know what to do. I don't share my emotions or what I'm struggling with I'm always to afraid and when people care and try to help I only push them away. I've always only have had myself and I don't cut or anything like that I panic at the sight of my own blood but I do find other ways to take the pain in my chest to longer be my focus point by hurting in another way. My parents I love them dearly but man do they not make since they want me to say things but then next thing I know there putting me down making me feel stupid or like if I say something I'm in the wrong..... And I know that people are like get in some meds go talk to a councilor but I'm afraid that all there going to do is giving me drugs and I won't exact be myself anymore..... I know from experience when I was a kid I was on ADD meds in they made me pretty much into a zombie I'd zone out and wouldn't focus so I stopped talking them I'd throw them away in anyway I could tell finally I was taken off fully. And I don't want to go threw that again and if I am put on drugs what if I get addicted even drugs doctors give you can be addicting......  Maybe I am just being stupid or maybe I need a councilor but at the moment there are to many big what if's and let's face the facts in scared I'm so scared for myself right now I don't know what to do........

~Thank you I'll probably add poetry and stuff to this and maybe rant more later but for now this is it.~