Anathema

January 17

January 17 was a very interesting day for me. I had changed. Not by much but something in me changed. Something made me want to get better.

On January 17 I tried to rekindle a lost friendship but instead I ended up making a new friend and maybe even something more....

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Early in the morning I decided I needed to make friends. I needed to stop being alone all the time. It wasn't helping a thing.

On the bus I sat quietly wondering how I might approach Vanessa. We hadn't talked in over five months but I needed her now. I drifted to sleep thinking of how our conversation might end.

As we arrived at school I woke up, quite convenient. While getting my bag together and trying to get off the bus I noticed someone staring. A boy. I knew him from elementary school, he was a year older than me. Austin was staring at me and I was getting anxiety. I do not have good luck with boys, I shoved myself into the line to get off the bus and hurried away.

I decided to go straight to Vanessa, just get it all over with, right? As I come upon her I notice who is with them. Cameron. I make a sharp U-turn away from the group of people. But before I get too far, "Bliss!" My name is called. I don't want to turn around but I do.

I walk towards Vanessa..do my eyes deceive me?...she can't be....oh, but she is. She is holding hands with the devil himself. Vanessa and Cameron seem to definitely be an item. I feel like I'm going to throw up my nonexistent breakfast. Instead of staying to talk I give a few nods and say I have to go return my library book.

But instead of the library, I throw myself into a bathroom stall to heave stomach acid. I know Vanessa didn't know about Cameron and I but I still felt greatly betrayed. I also felt a tad bit jealous. Why didn't he date me? He stood there like a complete gentleman, holding her hand, never trying to cop a feel. Why wasn't he like that with me? Why was I so different?

The whole thing made me feel so completely worthless. The rest of my day was filled with nothing but loneliness and self pity. I know that never helps anything, but that's how I decided to deal with the situation. Although my day did not stay terrible.

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The final bell to go home rang and I was on the bus at last. I actually liked riding the bus at the time. I could put on my headphones and just stare off into space.

I listened to Nirvana for a while as I stared out the window in the seat across from me. I sat twisted around in my seat so that I would be comfortable, it was an awkward position. As I looked out the window, something moving in another seat caught my eye. I look and surprisingly, Austin is waving at me.

Is he waving at me? He can't be. Why would he? He points at his shirt, an Iron Maiden concert tee. Then he points to my sweater, a vintage 1980's Iron Maiden sweatshirt, stolen from my mom. It's the only cool thing she owns. He gives me a thumbs up and I'm encouraged to take off my head phones.

He says, "I love your sweater, dude." I smile and suddenly he is sitting next to me, asking questions. And in a shocking turn of events, I'm actually answering him. I'm having a conversation with a boy. As we talk I get nervous that maybe things are not going in the direction I think they are.

What if he's just like Cameron?
What if I'm nothing but a toy?
But what if this is a good thing?
What if?
What if?
What if?

Everything is blurry and before I know it, it's time for me to get off the bus. I smile and surprisingly we hug and he tells me to have a nice weekend. I nod and give a simple "you too." And just like that I'm walking home.

I know overthinking is a bad habit but I just can't seem to help myself. I overthink the whole situation. When he got my attention. How he coaxed me to take off my headphones. When he just sat next to me. All the questions he asked me. I wondered weather if it was strictly friendly or if there was underlying tension I didn't detect. I believed more in the ladder than the former.

I knew I needed to stop while I was ahead but I couldn't. That same night I found Austin on Facebook and sent him a friend request. I had decided if he actually messaged me asking why I friend requested him I would say it was friendly and he came up on the "people you may know" tab.

As luck would have it, he did message. Although it was a simple "hey" I still found myself trying to dissect any underlying plots. I decided to wait a while to reply, a solid five minutes. Now that I think of it, that's not a very long time to wait.

I messaged back:

Me: Hey there
Him: I had a nice time talking with you today :)
Me: So did I c:
Him: Would you like to sit with me on Monday?
Me: Totally ^-^
Him: Well it's kinda late and I'm pretty tired so goodnight beautiful :)
Me: Goodnight c:

And I find myself in the same position as before. Overthinking everything all over again. Why did he call me beautiful? Why did he even message me? Why does he want to sit with me anyways? I couldn't stop and I hardly slept. I was so paranoid that everything with Cameron would happen all over again.

The rest of the weekend went on the same way. I hardly slept, although I never really did sleep at the time. I couldn't wait for Monday but at the same time I didn't want it to come around. I was excited but terrified at the same time. It was almost like being on a roller coaster with a loop in it. You're excited to get to the loop but also extremely scared.

Sunday came around and I was still nervous. I took a shower that night and waited for my hair to dry before I tried to sleep. After my hair dried I decided to paint my nails. I waited for my nails to dry before I tried to go to sleep but I still wasn't tired. I decided to re read The Perks of Being a Wallflower and by the time I was done with that it was around two in the morning and I finally fell asleep.

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While I got ready for school I stressed about sitting with Austin. I didn't want to make a fool out of myself. I wore a pair of black skinny jeans and my Pink Floyd t shirt with my gray converse. I slipped into a black sweater as I walked out of the house and walked down the street to my bus stop. I stood waiting nervously for the bus.

The bus arrived late as usual and I lugged myself up the stairs and into my seat. (We never has assigned seats on the bus but I always had a certain seat I liked, seat two on the right side if you're facing the back of the bus.) I put in my headphones and listened to some Breaking Benjamin. As we neared Austin's stop I grew increasingly nervous. I decided to pretend I was asleep when he got on the bus and if he tried to wake me then we'd sit together and if not then I'd pretend to be asleep until we got to school.

Surprisingly he did try to wake me, I moved over in my seat and he sat next to me. He gave me and awkward hug and said a quiet good morning. I stayed silent for a while until I asked in a whisper, "Are you tired?" He smiled and sighed, "Yeah, a little bit. Are you?" I gave him a simple nod and he said, "Well you should get some sleep." I smiled and shocked myself, and I think Austin as well by laying my head on his shoulder and falling asleep.

I woke up when we hit a bump but we weren't quite at school yet. I realized I was holding Austin's hand and I panicked. I yanked my hand away and apologized repeatedly until Austin did something wonderful. He leaned in and kissed me, it was just a peck for a few seconds but my heart almost exploded.

He pulled away and now he was apologizing and so I decided to shut him up the same way he shut me up. I leaned in a kissed him sweetly. Except this time I lingered for a while until we were kissing more passionately. We kissed until we hit another bump in the road.

We sat silently smiling and blushing for the rest of the bus ride.