MARCH 9TH 12:39
why do i always do this so late at night i mean i got homework i should be doing but who gives a fuck about that dumb stuff. anyway nothing new has really happened so not much to tell unless i like go into a full on emotional state like last time. i would right about my feelings or something but i cant really explain what im feeling rn. i mean its kinda sad but not sad and lonely but not lonely. Yes i admit i have friends and a couple of them actually dont hate me like maybe 3 or 4 but they like to play around alot and use sarcasm. i that some of the time they are just playing but others it feels like i could die tomorrow and they wouldnt really care. the other day i was in a group chat with a couple of friends and i asked one of them if i could cone over and they never answered me so my other friend said " EEEWWWWW who would want u at there house and she dont want u to come over so stop asking" im just sitting here like wtf and then my other friend chimes in and said something like yea ikr and other stuff. this got me thinking did she really not want me over cause all she has to do is say something or let me know and ill stop bugging her. i asked her this she just looked at the message and never replied. so i just dropped it ik they probably dont hate hate me but that dosent mean they like me either. really good friends gotta trust each other right? well my best friend that left said straight to me that he didnt trust me. when i first heard this i died a little more on the inside but i didnt tell him that or anyone because it hurt me deeply. especially after all we been through...... but hes gone now and as far as i knew he wasnt coming back but right before Christmas he told me and our friend that he was coming back.....my best friend ... the guy that i turned by for coming back. i was so happy but that was basically 3 months ago so my hopes and excitement levels have went back down. what would i do if he came back? i mean use to love him with all my heart but i met my bf and now those feelings are not there anymore or thats what i tell my self because i love my bf and dont wanna ruin what we got but my best friend is just omg perfect and my first guy crush but im with my bf and he is all i need plus some. as well my best friend has some major anger issues which makes him say or do a couple of things that hurts me but i didnt say anything because im sapost to be the heartless demon giant but im really not. im actually just a big teddy bear and you can say something to me and ill take it ten times harder then what u meant and he say a few things that has hurt me and ik hes striaght and i never have a shot in hell with him thats why i locked up those feelings an through away the key never to be found. i dont wanna find it or at least thats what i tell my self.... but i love my bf and thats that.
GOOD NIGHT
Kole Cordell
