Letters

When I Can't Say I Love You

Dear Diary/Journal/Notebook, I really don't now what to call you to be honest.

Okay let's start all over again.

Dear Richard (yes, my first entry in the notebook you gave me is addressed to you),

Today is the 9th of March, 2016. The first day I used your gift and also the first day of your Dubai stint. I feel sorry for myself. The only time I had the courage to say this (well write) is when I know that you're far away and have no chance of distracting me.

Now you may be asking, what is it that I'm too scared to write about? Well here it is...

I can't say I love you.

I'm afraid of you Richard. I'm afraid that if I put myself out there, if I do end up dropping the L-bomb and it turns out you're not quite there yet then what we have, this relationship we have will turn sour. If you do feel the same then I fear that I'll only disappoint you in the long run. What if you love me more than I can ever love you?

I'm scared to take that step and I feel like I'm keeping the world's biggest secret as days pass without letting you know how I feel.

'I love you' is not the easiest thing for me to say. It's not that I don't know how to love, it's not like I'm incapable of it. Remember that story I told you after you've read that 'Dear Yaya Dub' article? I grew up not feeling close to my family. I let my insecurities eat me and unintentionally distanced myself from them. It's not like my parents lacked in assuring me of their love, I was the one at fault. They already had Ate Niki, Kuya, and Coleen and they were all exemplary in their own way and I was just there. There was nothing extraordinary about me, nothing I could offer that my siblings can't give. I felt like I wasn't enough. I felt like such a disappointment. Do you know how much I hated myself at the time?

Years passed, I grew up but I still remained the same. Still the same introverted, pessimistic girl with an inferiority complex. Not a good combination. Puberty came and feelings entered the picture. I was in a relationship. What a bad idea that was. I know that I was dedicated to him. I know that I actually felt something for him. He told me he loved me and I didn't say a thing. I just assumed that he already knows. I tried to convey my replies through caring gestures, subtle hints, and all those cute little things you see in movies. Actions speak louder than words, don't they?

Inevitably we broke up. Not so surprising now that I look at it.

Now back to you. I know you're ready to say it. I know there are moments when you were on the verge of saying it but held yourself back right before you let it spill. It's because of me isn't it? You love me but you know I'm not ready to hear it yet. You love met but you know I'll probably run away screaming the moment you do say it. For that I'm sorry.

Saying 'I love you' and receiving that 'I love you' are two of life's greatest feelings, two of life's greatest gifts. I'm sorry because I seem to be depriving you of that.

But I want you to understand that I'm not great with 'I love yous'.

I met you and you make me feel this... whatever this is! You make me want to scream, yo make me want to go wild, you make me want to treasure silence, you make me want to just sit back. You bring out everything in me, the best and the worst. You challenge me everyday. You make me question myself. You make me want to be better... better at saying 'I love you'.

I envy my sisters and how they comfortable they are with letting 'I love you' fall from their lips. I envy how they can make 'I love you' sound so true, how they can make it sound so endearing. I can't do that and I fear that I will never be able to.

I'm being unfair to you aren't I? Here you are ready to lay the world at my feet and I still can't say three little words to you.

I can't say I love you and I don't know if I will ever have the courage to do so.

I can't say I love you but let me tell you this:

I think of you, breath you, taste you, feel you, and dream of you.

You help make my day complete, you help make my everyday feel like a pleasant dream. You are the first thought I have in my mornings and you are my last memory as I succumb to sleep. You make me want to tear my hair out every single time you get sick. You make me feel like a princess every single time you fret over me when I feel ill.

You look at me as if I'm the only girl you've ever seen.

You make me feel like you're the only one I'll ever see.

Yours,

Nicomaine

P.S. I don't know when I'll let you read this or if I ever will but if that day comes I hope I was finally able to say it.

P.P.S. If I wasn't able to say it yet and you're still with me then please give me a good whack on the head.

P.P.P.S. Wag mo naman lakasan yung batok ha? Yung pabebeng batok lang.