Akumal

Shoulder to Cry On

Past

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“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair then there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”

-Lemony Snicket

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I found myself wiping a stray tear from my cheek, one that I wanted to be the very last one.  I never wanted to feel this much pain again.  So please, Lord watching over me, make this my last tear.

But inside I knew it wouldn’t be.

I took a deep breath and began the descent from the podium back to my seat.  I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, and I figured it was because my speech was not a normal one.  That’s because instead of just honoring Iokua, I had been telling myself something too:  that, quite simply, life goes on.  I can move on.

Just before I sat back down in my seat, my eyes quickly scanned the faces around me.  It was like a habit, nothing that lasted more than a second.  Or at least it would have, had I not seen who I saw.  

At the very back of the Church, in the very last pew, sat Akoni.  What on Earth was he doing here?

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After the mass, I found Akoni still sitting in the pew where he had been before.  The church was now empty of all the attendees, yet he still sat there, waiting for me.  I sat down next to him and without thinking rested my head on his strong shoulder.  He didn’t seem to mind it.  

We simply sat there, staring straight ahead, not saying anything but yet still saying everything.  My silence was thanking him for coming, his was paying his respects.  The silence encased us like a thick, giant blanket.  It did everything all at once.

Eventually, I sat up.  “Thank you for coming.  It... means a lot to me.”

He gave me a weak smile, and that was all I needed.  No words.  

“How come you didn’t wear blue?  I thought you associated it with sadness.”  He was actually dressed in white, not even the formal black that was common in funeral-going.  I remembered the last time I had spoken to him, though it seemed like ages ago.  We had been on the boardwalk, I had actually felt happy...

“Because I don’t believe in the whole color thing, not just blue.  People say that you wear white to a wedding, because it’s the brightest.  You wear black to a funeral, because it’s the darkest.  It’s stupid.”  He looked down at his feet.  “So I wore white, because I believe that even today... there will be a way to be happy again.  You said it yourself.” He turned to look at me again.  “Life goes on.”

Remember, before, when I said I didn’t want to cry anymore?  I knew that I would cry again, but it seemed like the strong thing to think.  So even though I didn’t want to cry, I did.  Akoni embraced me and I cried right into his shoulder.  I’m pretty sure I soaked through his shirt.  

It’s a funny thing, death.  Ok, maybe not funny, but ironic.  You live life, hearing about shootings and deaths in other families and such, but you never think it’s going to happen to you.  Everyone else, yes.  That’s normal.  But it’s really something different when that’s what your family has to go through.  The loss of a loved one.

When I finally sat up again, Akoni began wiping my face with his fingertips.  I realized now that he was a lot different than what I thought.  He was a caring, kind person.  The kind who wants you to be happy and will do anything to make you that way.  I didn’t deserve him.  My life was just one big spiral of bad luck and sadness and he was stuck in the middle of it, trying to stop the constant hurricane going on with me.  He didn’t deserve that.  He deserved someone who was... well, like him.  I sure wasn’t.  

But I needed him.

Just when my ship is about to sink, he arrives somewhere from above and patches the hole.  Without him... I couldn’t imagine it.  I’d be more of a hot mess than right now, if that’s even possible.  And I wasn’t even all that hot.  I didn’t even think myself all that pretty.  So why did he like me?  How could I possibly be anything good for him?

Just when I thought the scene was done, the curtain had been called, the play was over, it happened.  Suddenly, but it felt good.   Like the gray clouds in the atmosphere had finally shifted and revealed the sun again.  Actually, I swore that at that very moment that they really did.  

The moment that Akoni and I kissed.

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I sank down onto my bed, not really sure what to think.  I was happy, sad, in love, mourning, everything.  It sucked and yet it was awesome.  Today of all days.  Today was the day that I had gotten my first kiss.  My silver lining to my gray cloud.  No, this was bigger than that.  This meant that he was like my boyfriend.  My boyfriend. That’s like a rainbow colored cloud with a smiley face that a unicorn is jumping over.  I thought I was going to be sick.

How can I feel so many emotions at once?  Gee, I hope I don’t burst.  There was the biggest smile on my face, and that was probably the only thing that wasn’t conflicted.  Ok, so I was happy?  No, more than that.  I was... I was moving on.  Past the sadness.  I am standing on the rim of a leprechaun's pot of gold!  And I think that I’m a little bit hysterical too.

The doorbell rang.  

Still smiling to myself, I sprung up from my bed, calling downstairs to my mom that I would get it.  Nothing could ruin my conflicting mood.  Nothing could ruin my happiness.  Rushing down the stairs (but I was careful not to fall and smash my face in), I made my way to our front door.  Who could it be?  Akoni?  Nah, he had just left.  I opened the door.

Nope, I was wrong.  In the doorway stood someone who immediately changed my happiness to something just short of scared with a little bit, no, a lot of surprise.

Standing on my front porch was my best friend, Alana.  And she did not look happy.