just a collection of oneshots that i think of throughout the day. literally.
i'll be sitting in class or trying to sleep and i'll have an idea and i have to write it down. it's annoying.
- long oneshots (3k+ bc i ramble on)
- TW & info before each...
TW: Drug abuse(not mentioned much), alcohol abuse, suicidal thoughts, slight mention of self-harm(it's really not bad though promise)
Other: I've been listening to the music video for "Emperors New Clothes" on repeat and the part of "This Is Gospel" at the beginning is stuck in my head. Thus, the first line was born!
+~+
"If you love me let me go."
Those were the last words I said to Phil Lester two years ago.
I couldn't stand hurting him anymore.
The drugs. The alcohol. The fights over it.
I knew it was hurting him but I just couldn't stop.
I loved him, I really did.
Fuck, I still do.
But I couldn't hurt him anymore.
+~+
I'm sitting on my sofa, alone, in my flat, watching some dumb TV program. Hell, I'm not even watching it, it's just noise.
I sigh and lift the bottle of Tequila to my lips, relishing in the burning sensation as it slides down my throat. I've slowed down in the past year, but I'm still drunk nearly every night. Like my life matters anymore, anyway. I'd rather just waste away.
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I haven't seen or heard from Phil. He still posts Youtube videos, but not as often as before. As for me, well, the fans still see me as a giant squishy meme. When Phil and I broke up, we made a video together telling the fans that we were moving out of our flat in Manchester to live life on our own terms. It was even worse because we hadn't come out to our fans yet. We made sure to leave it on a good note though, so they wouldn't suspect anything was wrong. With either of us.
But there was.
There was Phil, crying himself to sleep every night when I couldn't fight off the demons and had to have my release. Yes, Phil was the light in my life and always would be, but there's just some things he couldn't help. If he could go into my head and remove all my insecurities, doubts, pain and suffering, he would without a question. I just wasn't strong enough to let him. I didn't want to hurt him anymore.
I broke. I always broke.
I wake up every morning wishing I was dead. I'm surprised I'm not yet, to be honest. Not waking up beside Phil kills me a little more every day. But the look of hurt and helplessness in his eyes killed me even more. I just couldn't do it anymore.
