I was a decent kid while growing up, at least that's how I portrayed myself in public. Nobody truly knew the real me.. Even I didn't know her just yet. I felt like a passenger in my own body and the only time I felt any source of reality was when I dissected things.
Growing up was a quiet and emotional experience that nobody seemed to get about me. Since I was shy everyone assumed I was just a push over but only a few friends knew I wasn't. Anyways I have this one memory of myself in an after school program. The name of it? Well I can't remember, but I do, however, remember I was handed a ball of fur with tiny bones inside and a skull that you had to search for. It wasn't anything huge or cool but all I know is that I was the only student who wasn't grossed out by it. I was the first to grab tweezers and start digging into the ball of fur. It didn't take too long before I had the whole class staring at me as if they knew something about me that I didn't. I just shrugged and continued digging. It didn't take long before I found the Owls tiny skull, you know the ball of fur was a baby owl, and placed it into a tiny baggy and brought it home as a trophy. I was the only kid that brought the bones home and the only kid who thought of the skull as a trophy. I remember making a tiny skeleton statue from the bones and even being overly fascinated by my creation. I even wondered what it was like to kill an owl or an animal in general.. Since I couldn't find any small creature to sacrifice for my own pleasure I began to take out my experiments and curiosity on this 6 year old girl from my old karate place. It was a little too easy though so I had to give myself a challenge. I remember pursuing her to climb up underneath a table where nobody could see us and placing my hand upon her face. I did nothing sexual, I just abused her. Me being 11 at the time was probably my awakening to this new world of my own little reality like state and things were about to get a little darker...
Fast forward four years later this curiosity to kill and dissect an animal had become extremely strong, I remember getting another opportunity to dissect another ball of fur with owl bones in it, and just like I did it elementary school, I took it home and kept it as a trophy.
I became very bored and lonely and instead of attempting to be social I took all the thoughts and fantasy to my mind.
I would stay in my bed all day long fantasizing about killing animals and rubbing their guts and blood over myself and my basement. I just remember being very curious about it all. Long story short I had finally caught an animal. It was a garden snake. I ran inside the house, grabbed a kitchen knife, but before stabbing it I remember being too excited about it. I then plunged the knife over and over again into the snakes back. It was squirming fast and visiouse and I was laughing extremely hard at it. It looked like it was dancing! I then chopped it's head off and squished it onto the concrete because I wanted to see how far it's brain would go. It seemed all to sexual to me though.. I remember being very turned on, it was a feeling I never felt before.. Yes at the age of 15 I didn't know what that truly felt like until I plunged a knife into a snakes back and squished it's head. I never told anyone about this. I guess I'm telling it now because this is my personal journal, you know?
