Story Of My Life.

the nightmare

The hardest part of my day, is night time. Sometimes, I wish I could just go to sleep knowing that tomorrow will be a good day, no terrors, no flashbacks. Just a normal day. But thats not going to happen. Every night I lie in bed trying to stay awake, trying to prevent yet another round of fear. Some days, its ok, I deal with it fine but recently, its been getting harder. Unfortunately, me and my mum dont get on very well and that hurts because we used to be so close. Then, everything started getting to me and I never stopped thinking about my life and asking questions that I know can never be answered. I used to be able to go up to her and just cry. She would hold me and tell me it was ok, tell me I was safe now and it wouldn't happen again. Now, I cant even have a simple conversation with her without one of us going mental. In the times that I feel the worst, when I feel like the whole world is against me I wish I could go back to the days where I knew she was happy, the days that I knew she was proud of me. Through the six years of living with my parents, ive done some awful things. Things that I wish I hadnt done, because maybe if I hadnt, I would still have her. My dad tells me every day that he loves me and that he will no matter what but when I look at him, I see exhaustion. I know he's starting to give up. I love my parents so much and all I have done is push them away. When I was lying in bed last night, crying, like usual. I just thought how nice it would be for them if I just left. Maybe if I wasnt in their life they would be happy. Which is what I want more than anything. The same monologue goes through my mind almost every night.

"They hate me, they hate me. Just leave, they wont care. They dont love you. Youre dirt, just like kevin, darren and their little friends said. You dont deserve to be here, you deserve to rot in hell. Make them happy. Just go."

Sometimes, I get so close but then being the wuss that I am I stop. I cry. I sleep. Then it all comes rushing back.

All I can hear are the mutters of pleasure from the men that are abusing me and my brother. I can hear his screams of pain but its only making it worse for him. I hate seeing my big brother like that, I look after him and right now I cant do that. Im so glad that Jess and Teigan aren't here. I couldnt bare for that to happen. The tears are rolling down my face. I try to stop them but the pain is unbearable. I have to stay quiet though because otherwise he pushed harder.

"Oh baby girl, it feels so good. Dont move just stay there."

"PLEASE, STOP! STOP HURTING HER! I DONT CARE ABOUT ME BUT LEAVE HER ALONE!"

Oh connor. That was a big mistake.
I look over kev's shoulder and see darren grab his belt from beside him on the bed. I look at connor, he looks at me, we both look at the belt.

"Bend over you little shit, you're gonna get what coming to you."

He slams the belt down on my brother backside and he screams. I see a little trail of blood and thats when I start thrashing. I have to help him. I dont care if it happens to me. Noone hurts my brother like that. Its bad enough what he has to do let alone be beaten.

"GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME! LEAVE HIM ALONE! STOP IT! STOP IT!"

Kevin starts getting mad. Really really mad. He takes my neck in his hand and squeezes until I cant breathe. I feel myself slipping into darkness but I cant give up. I knee him right where I know it hurts and he losens his grip. It gives me a chance to lunge at darren but then I feel a sting on my back. It doesnt hurt much at first but then the pain builds up and I cry out in pain. Kevin grabs me by my leg and pulls me off the bed, onto the floor. He sits on me and pulls my hair telling me that im a waste of space and need to be taught a lesson. He grabs a bottle off of the table in his room and opens my mouth with his other hand. I try to close it but he has a good grip. I feel the cool liquid go down my throat and just like It always does, it burns. This time though, im sick. I throw up all over the carpet which results in another round from the belt.

I sit up, so quickly it gives me a head rush. I muffle a sob and wrap my arms around my self. Its boiling but im so cold. Im sweating and tears are streaming down my face. I wish this would stop. I cant go back to sleep now but if I dont ill be tired. Mum will be coming in early to wake me up. I feel around under my pillow for my kindle and grab my headphones from my bedside cabinet and plug them in. I need to get away. I need to calm down. I play some Ellie Goulding, I smile remembering its the one that sarah sung. I miss her so much. She knows about my past and she is so understanding. She has had a hard life to. Even after I moved away we stayed close and even if we dont talk much or see each other hardly at all. She needs to know I miss her and I love her. So sarah, if your reading this. I hope is see you soon! :') I fall asleep thinking about old memories about me and ny best friend, and the things we used to do. Sarah always manages to make me happy. Even if she doesnt know it