I guess I should start with where we are now, but I think that might be nowhere. We haven't seen each other in months. I don't think about you anymore. Not much anyway. Not like I used to.
I still remember it, though. In the beginning I tried to deny it. I was terrified of admitting it to myself, and it was ten times worse with my friends. I don't know how much they suspected. Maybe they knew. I'm still too scared to find out. I know I shouldn't be. I mean, I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks of it.
I guess it doesn't matter anymore, does it? Whatever you might have felt, I'm sure you've moved on. And I'm trying to as well. I swear I'm trying to. But it's hard.
I thought of you today. Every time I go anywhere, even the store, of all places, it's still "What if he's there?"
I hate it. It's stupid that I still think about it after a freaking year. It's stupid that I care.
I loved you. I finally realized.
I'm terrified to admit it. I denied it so many times, to everyone. Myself included.
Did you feel the same? Ever? I know you cared about me. You talked to me when I was by myself; you cheered me up when I was upset; you let me tease you, went along with it even. You were the one to ask if we were friends; you knew my secrets, and you shared yours with me. You noticed me. I didn't think you did.
Was it all a lie? Were you just using me to get her?
You know that wouldn't have worked, right?
But it's time to let it go. It's too late; it wouldn't work anymore.
I just hope I can find someone else.
Goodbye.
_________________________________________________________
When you write something you're proud of for once and you can't share it with anyone^^
I said it.
I know this is probably random, but I needed to do something. I'm tired or thinking of him. I'm not doing this for sympathy. I just need to move on.
I wrote this in a google doc. I'll be deleting it, because symbolism has always been an important sign to me, but I decided to publish it too, because I'm tired of no one knowing, and you internet peeps are the closest to friends I can safely tell, and I'm also tired of keeping it hidden.
I probably won't read this for a while. i honestly just want to let it go, but it would mean a lot to me if someone else read it.
That's all for now. I know no one cares, so I'll stop blabbing.
Goodbye <3
Months later
Holy shit this looks like a suicide note or something^ 0_o
But like no joke, I'm like 85% sure that this guy was just a SUPER intense squish cuz right now I'm feeling gay af
(And we're friends now so yanno it's chill)
Months later again
I'm feeling pretty Pan/Bi rn and low-key crushing on the same guy but I'm still pretty sure it was a squish before so clearly I need to reevaluate my emotions
This is legit turning into a diary so bye... for now ;)
Months fucking later again
Yep I fell for him and guess what he's actually pretty freaking gay so RIP me
