Things I Could Never Tell You

301

October 22, 10:23 pm.

Tyler, this is it.

I know that this has been fast for me. I feel like I'm more mature. My development took time, but it depends from person to person. Not only after these last couple of days, but after these last couple of months. You see, I was already strong. The only difference was that I didn't know that. I started figuring out the strenght I had in me only when I started to see that nothing could really affect me. Only if I let it.

You had power over me. You made me feel miserable about life and about myself for months and months. But that only happened because I thought that you could somehow fill the emptiness that I felt inside. That only happened because I let you do it. I gave you control over me. Over everything I did.

I didn't understand nor see it, but I was drowning in the midst of my own self-pity. I could have picked up my pieces and moved on, but I didn't, because I didn't know how to and most of all, because I wasn't ready to. I had to let my wound hurt before it turned into a scar. We all go through that.

Life is made of stages and sometimes, we have to feel the sadness first. I know I should have done this a long time ago, but everyone has the right time to do what they have to do. So now, I'm letting you go. And this time, it's for real. I won't text you anymore. I will look at you and remember a melody I used to hear, but it's still intact in my memory.

I wish you can be happy. I wish you can find your wat in life. I don't mean this in some fucked up or sarcastic way. I just hope you're happy. Maybe someday, when we're older and more mature we'll meet in a café in Paris or some nonsense like that and I'll smile and you'll smile back and all of the drama and tears there ever were between us will be only a thought that stayed hidden in the past.

This is probably the longest text I ever sent you and that I'll ever send anyone and it's taking me ages to type everything down, but over these months, this has been my escape and my way of venting out. But I don't need that anymore.

So I wanted to thank you, Tyler. Thank you for being one of my most beautiful memories. Thank you for all of the basketball games we played when we were ditching our eighth grade math class. Thank you for always letting me win them. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you. Thank you for letting me wear your sweatpants when I was too tired of wearing my skinny jeans.

And after a while, thank you you for ignoring me, because that way I learned to stop running and seeking other people's attention. Thank you for not loving me the way I wanted you to, or else I wouldn't have learned to love myself the way I wanted someone else to. Thank you for making me think I was worthless, because without that, I wouldn't know my worth.

I was so obsessed with you that it became unhealthy for me. I thought I needed you. I thought you were like a vital organ for me. I thought I couldn't be able to live without you. I didn't want to let go of the illusion I thought you were. Now I see how really wrong I was.

It's amazing because everyone always thinks that a happy ever after consists in finding your prince charming, that guy who is a perfect replica of you and who can be able to sweep you off your feet at any time. And I thought that also. I thought that I'd only be happy the moment you'd finally love me back. But this isn't the case. A happily ever after can mean simply living in peace with yourself. Maybe, it means your inner and mental development. Maybe it means you finally realizing your worth, accepting your mistakes, learning how to forgive yourself.

Perhaps it just means moving on. Starting over, recollecting your pieces and trying to be happy with yourself in a world who does everything to convince you otherwise.

It finally hit me that I don't need someone to come and save me. I'll become what I need to be.

It took me long, but finally, on the 301st turn of the earth, I realized you were only a part of the past and that's where you were supposed to stay.

I hope you accomplish everything you want in life. I hope you can be happy, Tyler. Because I'm finally ready to let it go. I'm finally ready to let you go. I don't need you like I used to anymore. You're not as vital to me as I thought you were. I used to see our pictures together and cry every time I remembered the person you used to be. Now I'm able to smile even more in a picture that doesn't has you in it.

S, xx.