I sat in the back seat of my brother's station wagon not saying a word. not shedding a tear. barely breathing. my eyes felt heavy, and my mouth was dry. I didn't know what I was suppose to be doing, how I was suppose to act. I hadn't been to a funeral since my mom's about three years ago.
I played out what would happen in my mind. I would walk into the church and smell the repulsive scent of incense, and would feel the warmth of my relatives hands on my cold shoulder. Friends and family would try to talk to me, but I wouldn't be able to make out a word they were saying, their voices would drown out. My vision would be blurry from my eyes which were starting to water. But there would be one thing I could clearly see, seven coffins lined up in a row like a toy train.
The thought of the uncomfortable scene made me feel like I was going to vomit. I couldn't do it. I couldn't be able to see the corpses of the people I loved sitting in creepy boxes while strange people cried over them, holding one of their lifeless hands. no. I kept feeling these thoughts bubble up inside of me while Mitch drove me to the church. The drive would only take an hour, but right now the drive seemed like five minutes. I was so nervous that time eluded me. My stomach began to turn and I felt sick. I didn't know if it was from my brother's reckless driving, or if it was the funeral waiting for me at the end of the drive. I stared out the window trying to picture anything besides my baby sister's dead body.
My body jolted forward a little bit when my brother Mitch slammed on the breaks at a red light. It scared my and made my heart race like it did the day I found my family. I couldn't take this anymore. some impulse came over me and I opened the car door and ran out into the street. Car horns honked and Mitch screamed "Margaret what the fuck are you doing?" I didn't care though. I ran until that street where I left my brother was far from view. I couldn't be at that funeral. I couldn't face everyone. I kept running and running until I tripped on a crack in the side walk and hit my face on the cement. Gravity pulled me down to the ground in a dramatic fashion. The mud from the dirty cement staining my mother's black dress I was to wear to the funeral. I felt blood run into my mouth and became extremely dizzy.
I began crying. letting tears flow from out of my eyes for the first time since that horrid morning. Then I began sobbing. sobbing uncontrollably. I sobbed for what seamed like an hour before it started to rain. when the rain started I put my hand to my head and found it was covered in blood. my wounds began to sting and burn. "FUCK!" I cried out into the open air, my head still spinning. there was nobody there to aid to my cry. Nobody in the world cared about me anymore. I turned around to see I was sitting in the parking lot of Ernie's bar. I stood up to walk inside to attempt to get help when I fell flat on my ass, and my head began to feel heavy. I got up again this time using all the strength I had to walk the ten feet to the front door. I opened the door with what remaining strength I had left and immediately fell to my knees as soon as I got inside. That's all I remembered when I woke up.
