Death's a B*tch

Prologue

The hardest part of facing death? The fear.

That is what everyone says but they do not know what it actually feels like. I know because I have faced it. Most people say it is a miracle when you survive a near death experience like getting hit with a car and whatnot. It is. Most people die when something fatal happens so if anyone you know gets in an accident, be thankful if they make it out because not everyone does. What happened when I was relying on a miracle to save me? People started planning my funeral before I was even dead. It sounded lovely but when I am just laying there, almost dead, you do not have the right to talk about my funeral in front of me. Sure, they probably didn't know that I could hear them, but still! Come on!

I remember when it happened. I was rushed into the hospital, nurses and doctors running about, grabbing this and that as I was hurried into an over sterile room. Then I was put into surgery. Whenever I talked to my friends who had surgeries, they always said they remember going under and then waking up afterwards. I remembered everything... the shiny scalpel, the blood, the doctors talking frantically to each other. There was no pain, but I remember. I don't even know if i was knocked out. Then my parents were in the room, crying and crying about how it shouldn't have ever happened to me. I was a good kid. I didn't deserve it. Then my best friend, Zoe, came in. She was crying but not sobbing like my parents. She came in and sat down next to me. She just talked to me, saying that she had my purple jacket with our friendship pin on it. She said that my dog was all taken care of. Then she whispered, almost like she didn't want me to hear. She whispered how it was her fault. It wasn't though. It wasn't. She just talked like nothing happened but I could hear the desperation in her voice, the desperation that I would get better. Then, when the doctor came in and looked at them and said that I had a 5% chance of surviving, they all broke down. My mother passed out. I never knew that they cared this much for me. After the doctor left, my parents left for a little bit, leaving Zoe there. She sat there, staring at me. No more words. Within a few minutes, another person walked in. The one person that I couldn't believe... It was Zach, the guy I have liked ever since I saw him. He was in there. He knelt down on the floor and looked at me. A tear streamed down his face. He reached out and grabbed my hand. "Logan, please be okay. I need you to be okay. Logan, I know I never told you and I was going to when you came over but I like you." What? Really! Yes! Me too! I like you! "I have liked you since the first day in sixth grade. You were the new girl and you were quiet as can be. Then Zoe walked up and introduced herself to you. At recess, you two made bracelets and then Zoe tied hers onto your wrist and you did the same to her. You've never taken it off since. She asked best friends forever and you smiled and laughed. Your smile was perfect even though you thought it wasn't with your braces. You said you sounded like Goofy when you laughed but I loved your laugh. Then, I said hi to you at recess the next day and you started stuttering and then you tripped over the slide and fell. I laughed and smiled at you but you froze there on the ground and then got up and ran off. I thought it was cute but you ran away like it was the end of your life. I remember when you said hi to me for the first time. It was in eighth grade. You had gotten your braces off the day before and then in the hallway you said hi to me. Even though you had been in America for two years, you still had your Australian accent. You still do now. Not as strong in Middle School but you still do when you talk fast or when you are making a speech in front of class." Zach smiled but tears ran down his cheeks. "I just need you to be okay. Do that for me, will you? I need to hear your laugh again. I need to see you smile. I need to hear your cute accent again." I wanted to say I will be okay. I wanted to turn to him and kiss him and smile and cry and say that I was perfectly fine, but I couldn't.

The hardest part of death is fear... 

It isn't.

It wasn't when they put that starch white sheet over my head or when I was brought to the morgue full of people who had the same fate as me or even the fact that I feel cold all the time. No, the hardest part was seeing my best friend get homecoming queen and not having me with her helping her pick out her dress. Seeing my crush who said that he liked me since the sixth grade when I moved, date the girl who had picked on me ever since I came here. I couldn't even tell him how I felt about him. Seeing my dog sleep on my bed like he always did except that I can't pet him or throw the stick that he never fetches but I still give him treats. Having my History teacher take down my U.S. Revolution project from the wall and not having me grab it from him as he says that it was very impressive. Seeing everyone live their lives without me in them. It seemed easy for them to do so, like I never even existed. I saw everything but no one saw me.

My name is Logan Carter and let me tell you one thing...

Death's a Bitch.