Acknowledge Me

Toya

***Toya in the media***

"Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness" -Steve Maraboli

"What's wrong with you Nisha?" I ask as I watch my best friend since middle school ransack her and my older half-brother, Shine's, bedroom.
"Your brother ain't shit, I swear I'm done with his ass." Nisha, says for what I feel like I've heard the millionth time.
I love Shine but I don't understand how Nisha does it. She and my brother have been together since we were 12 years old. In those ten years they've been together all my brother has done is string her along. I have told her time and time again to leave him alone over the years but it's like Shine has this unbreakable hold on her; like no matter what he does she forgives him and keeps coming back. However, I love my girl and I'm going to be there for her regardless.
Nisha's a good girl and deserves way better than what my brother dishes out to her.
Not only is Nisha educated, a good mother, the best friend and loyal to a fault but she's beautiful too.
She's half Brazilian, half black with the prettiest wavy hair you'd ever want to see. She's got legs a mile long and towers over my short self at 5'10. She's what you'd like to call slim thick and looks as if she could be Lisa-Raye McCoy's little sister.
My best friend is bad on all fronts which is why I can't comprehend why my brother just won't do right.
"What happened sis," I asked ready to be that shoulder she needs. Thank God Hakeem and I don't have infidelity issues but whatever petty BS we do get into Nisha is always there, down for whatever. No matter how stressed about the situation I may be I'll always be there when she needs me.
Nisha sucks her teeth with a look of pure disgust, "I went through his phone last night and his nasty, trifling ass had all kinds of naked pictures of that dirty hoe Trina that he was fuckin' around on me with when I found out I was pregnant with Milan. To make the shit worse, there was a video of that nasty broad sucking his dick." Nisha stops packing her bags long enough to start pacing back and forth, "I'm so tired sis, like I done been with this man since I was 12 years old. He's the only man I've ever been with. I take care of the house, our daughter and I'm fuckin' and suckin' that no good ass nigga 3-4 times a day on top of being a nurse. He still finds it in himself to disrespect me and our relationship for these bum bitches. I swear I can't stand Miko and he better hope he stays the fuck away from me 'cause how I feel right now, I'll kill that nigga."
For the first time in a long time Nisha breaks down. Nisha is a very strong girl and she likes to make it like the things that my brother does to her doesn't affect her. Of course they fuss, they fight and they argue but since this type of thing is the norm for them Nisha has kind of built a thick skin towards Shine's mess over the years. To see her break down like this rips my heart to pieces because I hate to see my friend like this, especially behind my brother who I know is capable of doing better.
I grab Nisha up in a tight hug, "Sis you know I'm not going to try to tell you what to do because you're not going to listen to me anyway. But look at you, look at the way my brother has you breaking down. You're going to make your own decisions and I'll stand by you, but I will say I love you and if Shine's not manning up and keeping you happy then you need to find what makes you happy. You know my house is always open to you and my condo is still mine and still empty so you and my niece will be straight regardless."
I learned a long time ago that when it comes to women and the men that they love there's really not much that you can tell them because matters of the heart and matters of the mind are two completely different things. However I can't help but hope the women around me will one day realize that they are the prize.
I've watched my mom, my auntie's and even my best friends compromise themselves: their beliefs, their values and sometimes even their own feelings and dreams for half-assed situations and it hurts my heart. It hurts my heart because these are some of the most incredible women that you'd ever want to meet and they deserve all the love that they give. To see that not reciprocated is just disheartening and it made it very hard for me to even want to get into any kind of relationship seeing all the dysfunctional relationships I have seen.
I gave Hakeem a hard time, hell I still give him a hard time to be honest. Just in my own household my mom took so much shit off of my dad and still does to this day. Before I was even born my dad was cheating to the point that my older twin brothers Miko and Miku (Shine and Meek) were conceived outside of their relationship. Even after I was born my little sister Reign was conceived outside of their relationship. My dad used to run dope heavy back in the day and my mom has taken a charge for him and been his "Trap Queen" so to speak. Quiet as it's kept my mom has been in the clinic on at least one occasion because my dad was out there living dirty and for what really? Out of all the love and loyalty that my mother has given to my father she's still not his wife. She's still not appreciated for raising me as well as accepting his outside children and even allowing Reign into our home after her mom died.
So when Hakeem came walking his fine self over to me while I was Cheerleading at my high school basketball game, I was not for the mess. I would not give that man the time of day because I already knew by watching my father, uncles and my brothers that niggas ain't shit. I'd be damned if I let a man take me even through half of what I saw growing up. So I played very hard to get and it took a lot for him to break down those walls I had so strategically placed around me. But I can say that Hakeem is a one-of-a-kind man with a one-of-a-kind type of love. He was persistent, he was patient and he was devoted in his pursuit of me. He still is all of that to this day.
I couldn't resist him and after 2 months of him showing up wherever I was, I finally gave in and let him take me out. That will go down in history as one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. Despite the fact that I came into the situation with trust issues, Hakeem has shown that he was absolutely made for me and I for him.
Not a lot of people get the chance to experience the kind of love that we share. I couldn't ask for a better partner, a better friend, a better lover, or a better man. So even though I was hesitant at first, now I love him like it's the last day that I'll ever be able to show it.
That's not to say that it has not been rocky because it has. Case in point, Hakeem had been asking me to move in with him for about a year-and-a-half, I finally caved six months ago but as I just said I still have access to my condo.
Even though I love that man's dirty drawers I just don't want to put myself in the position to have the type of relationship that I saw growing up. Hakeem is my husband (the man I believe is meant to be my husband) and I have always felt that living together is another sure way of him getting this milk for free and postponing us taking those vows. However I'm so deeply in love that I ended up caving on that part of what I said I would and would not do when it comes to a relationship but I absolutely refuse to have any children before I'm Mrs. Brown. On that point I will not be moved. I feel that if our love is a strong as he says it is then marrying me will not be a hard decision to make. If he thinks that I'm going to be a 10-15 year girlfriend he's got the wrong one.
I love my peeps but I feel if you're with a man for more than 5 years and there's no marriage then you're wasting your time. A man who knows what he wants will commit himself to you fully but one who needs 10 or 15 years is either playing around or waiting for something better to come. Like Sweet Brown said, ain't nobody got time for that.
"Are you sure it's okay that I move into your condo for a little while, just until I figure help my next move?" Nisha says surprising me. Now I was genuine in asking her if she wanted to live in my condo, but I didn't actually think she would take me up on my offer. Her and Shine break up so often that I couldn't gauge if she was serious or not but now I see that she must really be fed up with Shine this time.
I reach in my purse and grab my keys and hand her the keys to my condo. "Here you go sis and you stay as long as you need to..." before I can complete my sentence, Go best friend that's my best friend, the ring tone I set for my best friend Kim sounds off.
Kim and I have been best friends since we were five and although she's a little much for even me to swallow sometimes our friendship remains. We're different as day and night but it works.
"Hey bitch! How come you didn't call me back?" Kim says loudly making me frown up. I don't know what's up with these new age women but I don't take or use that word as anything other than an insult.
"Kim I told you to stop calling me that, I'm nobody's bitch."
"Whatever bitch!" Kim says cracking up.
I roll my eyes, "Anyways you didn't call me heffa."
"Yes I did, I called this morning. I see that controlling ass daddy of yours didn't pass my message when I called this morning." Kim says referring to Hakeem. I don't know why but for some odd reason Kim can't stand Hakeem.
I think back and I thought Hakeem was on the phone this morning but he ate me out so good directly following that call that all I could think about was taking the dick until I passed out.
I smile my own sneaky smile, "Oh girl my bad, he probably meant to tell me but it slipped his mind."
Kim sucks her teeth, "Knowledge probably did it on purpose with his controlling ass. You know he don't want you around me because he knows I'm gonna let you know when he out here trying to make you look crazy. You need to let that nigga go best friend, I told you he be trying to clock your movements so he can be out here free to do his dirt."
Half the arguments Hakeem and I get into is because of something Kim has told me but Kim has known me since the playground and she saw how bad my mama and daddy's relationship effected me so she's just over protective. She's just trying to make sure I don't get hurt the same way my mama got hurt by my dad. Kim means well even if she does take some stuff out of context.
"Not today Kim," I say not even wanting to go there with her, "Why don't you meet me and Nisha at my condo and bring some of that good Kush with you too."
I know y'all thinking, she's supposed to be a good girl and for all intents and purposes I am but every now and then I like to let my hair down a little. Hakeem hates it when I smoke weed so I don't do it often but I feel like both of my bestie's are having man problems so we deserves to say fuck these niggas and blow trees.

......

"Y'all bitches better shake what ya mama gave ya!" Kim yells over KStylis's, Booty Hopscotch, as she record me and Nisha twerking on my dining room table. I'm on a handstand while Nisha is doing something that's supposed resemble the New Orleans bounce.
In the last hour we've had six blunts worth of some dank blueberry Kush and we're all high as hell, acting silly and dancing.
"I'm bout to send this to Knowledge." Kim announces making me fall off the damn table.
I stumble toward her trying to grab her phone totally missing the fact that she has my man's phone number in the first place. "No Kim don't do that, don't send that."
Nisha laughs because she knows Hakeem is going to call cussing my ass out if Kim sends him that video. I'm pretty chill and reserved but when I'm high I become a whole lot less inhibited and am super clumsy.
"Too late" Kim sings killing my high. I pout while plopping down on the floor and not even five minutes later Jill Scott starts serenading us, You love me, especially different, everytime you keep me on my feet, happily, signaling Hakeem's incoming call.
I frown up at Kim's instigating ass and answer the phone as un-high as I can muster. "Hello my King, I miss you baby." I say hoping to ward off Keem's wrath but I have no such luck.
"Don't hey me, what the fuck are you doing LaToya?" Hakeem questions, calling me by my full name making me cringe. The only time Hakeem calls me LaToya is when he's serious or mad.
"I'm not doing anything baby..."
"That's a lie LaToya," Hakeem cuts me off, "You're high as fuck right now and I can tell by your voice but even if I couldn't that fucked up video would clue me in. Shaking your ass in front of the camera with them little ass booty shorts on like you ain't go no man..." Hakeem yells but stops himself to take a deep breath. My man goes from 0 to 100 real quick and I'm a big Ole crybaby. The minute he gets to yelling the waterworks start flowing. "Where you at baby, I'm coming to get you?" Hakeem asks calmly but I know that's not going to last long when I tell him where I'm at. I shoot Kim a death glare for being so messy.
"I'm fine baby, I'll have Nisha drop me off at home and we can pick up my car in the morning." I try to placate him to get out of him coming to get me.
"No Toya, I'm coming to get you. Nisha is probably high as fuck too and don't need to be driving either. You at her house, I'm on my way."
"No baby we're at my condo." I say just above a whisper.
"You're where?" Hakeem asks heatedly.
"My condo."
"LaToya, you told me you sold that fuckin' condo! What you mean you're at your condo? You... *click* Hakeem hangs up the phone on me.
"Oh shit...

[IS HAKEEM BIG MAD OR LITTLE MAD? POOR TOYA]