The Misunderstood Jacob Enigma

Happy Birthday!!!

BEEP BEEP BEEP!
There it goes, the sound of the alarm.

The end of a pleasant dream where Tony finally tells his imbecile friends about me.

The start of a new day for me, Jacob Enigma.

But it won't be as bad.

Today is my 17th birthday. And quite frankly, there is nothing good about it; I'm still trapped in Stronghold High, the breeding ground of fakes, jerks, and my anger towards the world. My mom still cuts my food for me against my will, my dad still bores me to death with his therapy talks, and my baby brother puked on my white Vans- again!

And Tony still won't tell his friends about our fling.

To be fair, I don't blame him. If I were bisexual, and a quarterback on the school's football team, surrounded by flying girls every Friday night, I would be more in favor of the outgoing, peppy flying girl, and not the outsider-ish, pessimistic guy who takes naps during the school pep rallies. But it doesn't hurt to want to feel wanted.

He did send me a message on Kik though: "Happy Birthday!!! Sorry that my love for girls is stronger than my love for guys, but I still love you. Have a great day :)". It's a good thing he...

My mom and dad came barging in with a cake, yelling "Happy Birthday, Jacey", with my mom sobbing like she's celebrating her son's death instead of his birth, and my dad holding baby Bradley, who had frosting all over his lips. My mom's tears got on the cake, which actually tastes good on cake, not gonna lie.

"I can't believe my baby is 17! 17!" Mom said, in hysterics. She is a kindergarten teacher, so she always has a hard time getting out of kindergarten teacher mode when around her teenage son. "Can you believe it, Harry?!"

"I can." Dad said. "Happy Birthday, my son. 17 is a very productive and inspirational year..."

Then, he goes on saying how the age of 17 is the most important year of a person's life. He tells me this for every age, even the most irrelevant ages like 14 or 15. At this point, I just nod and say "nice".

"Nice". I said, nodding.

"Okay. Time to get ready for school, my 17 year old. Just a matter of time before you're off to college!" Dad said.

At the sound of that, Mom burst into even more hysterical tears. You should've seen her when Dad mentioned me having kids.

Dad followed my leaking faucet of a mother out of the room, with baby Bradley waving bye to me on the way out.

Dad drove me to school, where we stopped for our annual "Jacob's Birthday" donut at this small bakery near my house. He insisted on putting a candle in it, but it was already bad enough getting powdered sugar all over my clothes. I don't want wax on it as well. We listened to Celine Dion on the way to school, my dad citing that her voice is "soothing" and could "relax" a person and make them "forget about their misfortunes". When he tried to sing "My Heart Will Go On", I was praying that my hearing would go on, hearing him sing. My family is tone deaf. Even the birds outside my house can't sing pleasantly in the morning (reason 1000 why I wish I fall into an eternal coma when I sleep).

When I got to school, I was expecting Talia waiting for me at my locker, with a cupcake, a lame balloon, and open ears for my daily rant of how embarrassing my family is. Instead, my best friend since 1st grade was waiting at my locker, but for a whole different reason: her college freshman boyfriend.

She started going out with this boy named Ian, who she met over the summer at the shore. And ever since then, it has been a mix of "I love Ian so much", "I hate Ian so much", "I am the luckiest girl in the world!" "I wish I was gay, like you" all in the same week, and if Ian is home from college, the same day.

So for some reason, I acted totally out of my character (the Celine Dion must be rubbing off on me) and I expected Talia to wish me "Happy Birthday" and make me fat with all of her baking; Talia is an excellent baker.

But, as I wanted to not predict, Talia said, "So you will not believe what Ian said to me!"

"What did he say?" I said, trying to hide my annoyance towards her.

"He said that I am overdramatic!" Talia exclaimed. "How could he say something so mean and untrue?!"

"I don't know".

Talia ignored my comment. "I mean that is so insensitive to say to me, his girlfriend!!" Talia started to fake cry. "Why do boys suck so much? I wish I was gay, like you."

And at that, the bell rang. Talia and I went our separate ways, until lunch.

My birthday was great! I thought sarcastically.

And after that, my birthday was uneventful; my history teacher thought it would be a wonderful idea to announce that it was my birthday to the entire class, where everyone had to clap and fake smile...I hate history.

And at dinner, mom made my birthday dinner: chicken parmesan and spaghetti with a huge helping of tears. I could barely enjoy my birthday dinner because Bradley chose today to not eat his food and whine and cry. I hate babies.

And I layed in bed, thinking of how much of a pessimist I was at 16, and thought to myself: Maybe I should change my attitude.

At that, I laughed at my own thought. Jacob Enigma not being a pessimist is like Meryl Streep not being an actress.

The world would be different, the bad kind of different.

And who wants that?