Sitting at the Koi pond (Short story)

01.

“Life can be cruel, but you just need to see all the flowers that are there as well” -Anonymous

I sat on a swing, outside of the ‘Rose Age’ nursing home. I rocked back and forth, nervous. I was surrounded by trees and beautiful flowers, a small koi pond was near the door. A bench sat next to the pond, overlooking the fish gently swimming.

I still had my apron on from work, it started to irritate me.

Why did I have to wait so long, to confirm something that was going to happen no matter what.

With every breath I felt my heart turn colder and colder.

I knew it was going to happen.

The worst part was I couldn’t do anything.

Just a while ago I got a call from the nursing home, so I rushed over here. I knew it would happen someday, but today…

I was cleaning off a table at the ‘Golden Cafe’ when my manager called me to the back. Someone was on the phone, and I already knew what they were going to say. Still, I let them tell me. I had to hear it.

With every word the secretary said, it felt like a tiny dagger plunged into my chest.

This all happened too fast, and too completely. I couldn’t watch as life killed.

Two souls were being crushed in this scenario.

I dug my nails into the side of the swing, my heart raced. I could not sit still.    

Pushing myself up, I started to walk over to the pond. Then gently sat down onto the bench, my eyes followed the fish in the koi pond. They shimmered in the last rays of sunlight in the day. They seemed so peaceful. Nothing in the world bothered them, as the koi swam around in the water. They probably didn’t even know there was a world beyond their simple pond. No worries eluded them, no stress. They had a perfect life, it was simple, but they must’ve been happy. Even if they knew the word, it wouldn’t matter. They’ll only live for so long, then they will be stardust.

I found myself envying the ignorant koi, well because of their ignorance.

Sometimes, the way I see it, some people have the gift of being stupid. Then, complex thoughts won’t keep them awake at night. People make fun of stupid people, but inside don’t we all envy them for not seeing all the problems. They live in their illusions, and the rest of us watch as life falls apart.

I remember when I was a little girl, all I saw was the good in the world. My mother sheltered me, from my father, from all of the horrible people in the world. And back then, I was innocent.

My heart was pure, I cared about everyone. My dad yelled at me, and tore my heart to pieces. Then when he was hurting, I cried with him.

My problem is I care too much. My heart goes out to everyone.

Someone could scar me mentally and physically, and I would still love them. If something happened to them, I would die inside, my heart would crack.

That was my flaw. But now, I know better. I keep it inside. I keep my heart to myself. To avoid being hurt again.

As I stared at the pond blankly, someone came up to me. Sat down on the bench, and sighed. I felt so scared, and my heart ached so much; I didn’t even look up to see who sat next to me. I just kept staring into oblivion, keeping to my thoughts. My thoughts running through my head, the worst case scenario. My heart just wanting to make it better, stop the pain.

She was dying.

As I waited outside the nursing home sitting on a bench next to a stranger looking at koi, something inside of me died. I knew that she was beginning to perish. Her heart clinging to the last bit of life.