The Inside me Mirror

Summer

     It’s been about a week since I got to New Jersey, I’ve been working a lot. I work on a beach all day, I know it sounds easy but it’s not. When you’re a 5’7, skinny girl and you have to tell guys that are twice your size and weight that they can’t do something, it’s scary. I deal with drinkers, rude people, and teenagers. I may be a teenager but the ones I deal with are rude and ill-advised when they think they can out smart me. I’ve had people drink on my beach, which is against the law, who try to tell me it’s not alcohol. I’ve had people try to walk by without showing me their pass for the beach, or lie saying it’s already on the beach. Some think the job is easy, but it can be problematic when people decide to make it difficult.

            I work five out of the seven days of the week. My parents are only here on weekends so I don’t really see them. It’s good and bad, because I get left alone but because I’m alone it harder to stay distracted. I can only stay preoccupied for so long until I run out of things to do. When I run out of things I have nothing but time to think. Thinking isn’t the smartest idea for me right now, when I’m down and I think, it’s normally about what’s making me sad. When I’m trying to numb myself, being sad holds up progress. In this case progress needs to be made before summer is over, if not I’ll break the second I see Kieryan. I’ll break down either on the inside or outside, outside wouldn’t be the best thing for me. I need to show I’m strong and that I’m fine, I use work to get numb. Seven hours of being alone to numb myself should help.

            After sitting on the beach for seven hours all I ever want to do is go home and take a shower. It’s like it washes the days troubles away and leaves me clean. We eat dinner almost right after I get back home so there’s not much time for anything else. So I sit and listen to the TV while I write. I’ve been into writing since Sarah’s birthday in May, I had no idea what to get her but I had already started a book I called Ripple Effect. I needed someone to proof read what I had so far and she liked it. I came up with the idea to finish it and give that to her as the gift. I had two weeks to finish it, it was a rushed job and it wasn’t great but she still loved reading it. She gave me the encouragement to keep writing, along with my critic, and my Animal Science friend. Since Sarah’s birthday I’ve strengthened Ripple Effect and started working on Broken Beginnings. Broken Beginnings would come before Ripple Effect if I ever got the books published, because it tells the story of Chase and Amanda. Where in Ripple Effect it tells the story of Skye, Chase’s Sister, and Zaine after Chase dies in an accident. I write when I’m in the mood, it seems to flow better and make for an easier read. That means I don’t always write, even when I want to. Writing is more of a release, but when I can’t write I draw. It works out almost just as well to get my feelings out.

            On my days off I do anything. I paint, draw, write, talk to people, watch TV and spend time on myself. I’m still trying to numb myself, summer will be over in a blink of the eye and I’ll be home again. Facing the guy who broke my heart, he swears he’ll come back soon. The only question I have is, if you’ll be back so soon, why even leave? We talk occasionally, but personally he seems really comfortable being my friend. I don’t know if he is faking or if he just doesn’t care anymore. He treats me like everyone else, like nothing ever happened between us sometimes. No one can forget a year that fast, not even I can forget that quickly, I’d need another head injury or a few to even start to forget it. I don’t want to forget it though, the year had ups and downs but it was the best year of my life so far. I had someone who cared, watched over me, would never lie to me and could just be happy spending time with me. There were a lot of good times, and that’s what replaces the bad. It hurts to talk to him or anyone, all it does it make me sad. It makes me wonder, how will school be?

            Once in a while a friend from work will come over to see me. Her name is Kelsey, she’s been my friend since I started working at the beach. She understands a lot but sometimes it’s like talking to a brick wall. She understands my bad memory to a point, she’s had multiple head injuries as well. We’ve shared our stories, hers are from Hockey and mine are from all over. When I was six I ran into a car door and cracked my skull open, I don’t remember much else from that day except they used what looked like purple glue on my forehead. I think of it now like liquid stitches, but back then I thought I was being glued up. I used to get beat up by my older brother, he had a short fuse and I liked to light it more often then I should have. He was bigger and stronger than me, he used to pick me up my throat or slam me to the ground. It would hurt my head and I’d cry, now he’s calmer and I’ve learned to judge the fuse so he’s hot air mostly. I run into things a lot like doors and door frames. I always have headaches cause of it, multiple head injuries does that to you. I think it’s even affecting my memory or at least that’s what I say. Sometimes its days, a moment, a conversation or even a thought I had, it’s not all there but I remember something’s and my imagination takes over the rest.