It starts out early, insignificantly. An offhand comment made on the side of a playground by kids who don’t know any better.
“Your legs are too long.”
It’s passed off with feeble smiles and something nagging you at the back of your brain.
It grows quickly, blossoming brilliantly in the folds of your mind with every look in the mirror. It starts to haunt you and you wonder what you can do to fix it. You try buying longer jeans to cover them and big shirts that cover almost half your body. And you start realizing other things too.
My arms are also too long. My stomach is too thin. My cheekbones and chin are too sharp. Why can’t my hair do anything. The bags under my eyes are getting bigger. My neck is too long. I’m too skinny. My lips are too plump. My nose is too pointy. My fingers and toes are too bony. My hip bones are too sharp.
And suddenly it rules your life. You can’t stop thinking about your flaws and what you could possibly do to fix them. Except you can’t fix them because they’re fixed parts of you. So you start to feel helpless, insecure, pinned against a wall.
That’s how it started for Soohyuk. That’s how it trapped Soohyuk.
And since Soohyuk knew how it felt to feel such hatred at the sight of a mirror, he spent hours admiring other people. He made odes to other’s eyes and limbs and all the things they hated about themselves. But this just pushed himself father into the corner, further into the cage because the more he loved other people, the more he hated himself. And the more he didn’t want to love anyone anymore.
Nowadays people always told him he was handsome, beautiful. Told him they wished they were as tall as he was, wished they had his looks. But Soohyuk didn’t believe a word, a your legs are too long echoing in his mind.
And since Soohyuk didn’t believe a word. His limbs just got thinner and his skin just got paler and his eyes just got more hollow. No one would notice because the skinnier the better, the paler the better. No one would notice because it was Soohyuk.
But someone did notice. Woobin, Soohyuk’s close friend noticed. He noticed because no one was supposed to be that skinny or that pale. No one was supposed to eat that little or have eyes that hollow.
So one day, Woobin offered to drive Soohyuk home and Soohyuk agreed. The drive was quiet, peaceful.
“Are you okay?” Woobin asked, his voice slicing through the silence. Soohyuk looked at him strangely, a little taken aback.
“Yeah. I’m fine,” He replied easily, deep voice echoing throughout the car.
“Dont lie to me, Soohyuk. I know you better than anyone else,” A car behind them honked, Soohyuks hand morphed into a fist.
“I’m not lying.”
“Soohyuk.”
“OKAY, FINE!” Soohyuk busted out, his body moving forward only to be stopped by the seatbelt “I’m not okay,” he said resentfully sliding down in his seat and turning to look out the window. Woobin glanced at him.
“How do you feel? tell me everything.” And Soohyuk decided he will since he’d already admitted he wasn’t okay and Woobin was the closest person to him.
“I feel caged. I feel depressed. I feel like I’m drowning but I can see everyone around me breathing. It feels like I can’t breathe because the only thing I’m inhaling is self-hatred and everyone mistakes the movements of my chest as breathing, but really, I’m suffocating. And I feel like I want to be happy but something inside of me screams that I don’t. And maybe I don’t want to be happy, maybe I’m too used to the pain, used to the hate. I wouldn’t feel like me without it, but there’s a part of me that’s sick of it, that wants to be happy. But I just can’t. My mind won’t leave me be. It’s too cluttered.”
“Why is it so cluttered?”
And Soohyuk told him about all the thing he thought about himself. He told about how he disliked everything and no matter what he did, no matter how he tried to fix himself, he only hated himself even more. He told about how the hate was constant, how it never ceased. It was always there ripping him apart, even as he smiled or laughed. And Woobin just listened, absorbed everything and let Soohyuk vent because this was probably the first time he had told anyone any of this.
Woobin realized as Soohyuk talked that he could tell Soohyuk he’s beautiful, wonderful, perfect, lovable and there’s no way he’d believe it, not for a second. He’s too far gone to believe it, too entrenched in his beliefs.
So Woobin decided that if Soohyuk couldn’t love himself, he would just have to show him how because Woobin loved Soohyuk. He had for awhile.
So after Soohyuk finished Woobin confessed and added that he’d teach Soohyuk how to love himself.
Running blades over skin was fluid and breaking mirror was natural, but scraping his heart out and giving it to someone else was not so Soohyuk was doubtful. But he accepted, the part of himself that pleaded for happiness taking over momentarily.
So a month after that, Woobin moved in with Soohyuk, taking the empty guest room in his apartment. He made sure to cook for and feed Soohyuk (getting rid of all the alcohol), Clean the bathroom and throw out he razors. Bought new mirrors (all the ones in the apartment were brokne) and went through Soohyuk’s room to make sure he was clean.
And it was hard for Soohyuk, he never really came to terms with himself, but Woobin was always there to stop his hand from reaching the scissors or breaking the mirror.
