Too Beautiful

She sat in the corner of her bed, back to the corner of the wall. Her journal perched on her knees as she read over old entrys. Tears began to fall from her eyes as she remembered all the things she'd been through. She watched as the salt filled droplets made patterns on the yellowed partchment pages of the black leather book with the golden pentagram on the front.

     She sat on her bed and looked down at the words on her phone. How could on text message hold two totally polar opposite things. "I want to make this work and hope it lasts a long time... I don't think we should be together, I still love her." "I understand," she replies, tears pricking at her eyes and anger building on the inside. "We're still best friends right? We can still tell each other everything?" She pauses, staring for a long time at the text. How could he ask such a thing of her? "Of course." She's so selfless. All this pain and she still does what's best for anyone but her. HE clearly doesn't see that though, so HE sends hermore devistation and pain.

She flips the page and reads a little farther. Another entry, another time, another heartbreak.

     She blares the music on her iHome, hearing her parents yell. She knows its her. It's always her. She's a "problem child." Just like her sister was before. She knew that's how her mother felt all along. She doesn't care. But she knows she's a liar, too. Her mother's acts were monsterous. Who would put their child through that? She made a mistake, not killed a nation. She'll never regret skipping though, just getting caught.

A song comes to mind and she wonders if anyone would understand what it means to her specifically. She'd never had anyone lay a hand on her, aside from an occasional slap from her mother when she was a child. It had been years however, since she was last hit. This song though... She felt the tears stroll down her cheeks, forming over the slight curve in her upper lip. And it just hangs there.  She skips multiple pages this time, passing everything from the end of that year. She's at the beginning now. The beginning of something big and where she should have ended it.

     She hears her name being called and realizes she's just ran into someone she was going to dedicate a long time too. He says I love you first. He kisses her first. He makes her feel so special. Makes her feel perfect. Makes her feel like everything he say's is true. "I'll never cheat. I'll never leave you. You are beautiful. You're amazing. I don't deserve you. I love you." Liar. He lies to her. He cheats on her. He yells at her. He verbally abuses her. She waits for the day he'll hit her. But she doesn't let go. She's in so much pain. But he made her so special. And she's so afraid to be alone.

She truely doesn't think anyone would understand. She may have never phsyically been hit, but the emotional blows are all the same. They hurt like a slap. A punch. A kick. She's been dealt it all. Her mother. Sister. Lover. Friend. And HE never stops it. She never gets a break. She wonders if HE actually does care. The tears start a new and she pulls her yellow parchment black leather golden pentagram journal to her chest, heaving out silent cries. They musten hear so she'll have to explain. And she can't.

                                                           You Are Too Beautiful.

                                             You're heart, I Want Something More.

Her thoughts of the boy who promised her everything reminds her of the scars that run deep from years before. And how much she hates herself when no one is looking. Everything. It's all wrong. And she can never be good enough. She can never be happy like them becasue they made it impossible. Impossible to ever love herself. But not with him, she won't leave him for that. And she thinks of the song again. No one would understand.

     She looks at herself in the mirror and is attacked by a mental string of hatred. "YOU'LL NEVER BE LOVED. YOU'RE UGLY. YOU'RE SELFISH. NO ONE NEEDS YOU. ALL YOU DO IS FUCK UP. LOOK HOW DISGUSTING YOU ARE." Her hair. Her body. Her face. Her chest heaves with slent sobs. And she bites her lip. No tears come and she hates herself for not being able to cry. But they can't know. No one can know. They'll never understand. No one understands. She doesn't understand.

She throws her book across the room. It all hits her at once. She throws herself face down onto her bed and screams. She screams and she cries and she falls apart. No one can hear, no one can see. And no one cares. And she doens't care. She doesn't care if they'd never understand. She's never been hit, but she's been physically abused by their words and their lies and their anger and laughter and hatred and the pain the pain the pain. She screams and she kicks and she hits. She grabs her mirror from the wall and she throws. It doesn't break but that just makes her hurt more. Emotional abuse is far worse. The bruises and scars and blood are invisible, but they're there for far longer than anything anyone can ever see.

     "You needy bitch."

     "It's your fault my marriage is ruined."

     "I basically did everything but have sex with her."

     "You're too over emotional."

     "You're so ugly."

     "You're so weird."

     "Why do you act like that? What's wrong with you?"

     "I don't care about you anymore."

     .....

What kinda' man lays 

His hands on the woman he loves 

Calls her "Angel"

And shows no remorse,

And the blood,

He covers her body in bruises and scars

You don't understand just how beautiful 

You are

You are too beautiful

Your heart, I want something more

Those shades of blue 

On that face of yours

Hide the smile that beats in your chest

When he's done with her beating

He just stands a side

Wipes the sweat from his brow

And yells over her cries

"You don't know what I've been through!"

He yells and he says

"You don't know what I've done for you!"

And hits her again.

You are too beautiful

Your heart, I want something more

Those shades of blue 

On that face of yours

Hide the smile that beats in your chest

She stands in the mirror,

She looks less alive.

She lifts up her shirt 

To see she has five

Branded fingers on her side.

She's feeling it all now

But she doesn't cry

She doesn't cry

You are too beautiful

Your heart, I want something more

Those shades of blue 

On that face of yours

Hide the smile that beats in your chest.