I gathered my thing to take a shower and when down the stairs to the bathroom, turned on the water. Not too cold not too hot. I began to get undressed avoiding my reflection in the merrier, letting the water run for at least five minutes. I stepped in the shower and went right under the water letting it drip down every inch of my body and started to wash my hair soon after that I washed my body pressing lightly on the bloody lines that were perfectly made, trying not to reopen them. After I finished my deeds in the shower I got out carefully drying my self avoiding my reflection again. I ran up to my room towel only in search of something long sleeves and pants thinking to myself "Why am I so fucking ugly I can't believe she just had sex with me to make me feel better but she didn't even give a fuck" I put on my Nightmare Before Christmas sweater and my black leggings with tall socks, fixed my hair and ran down stairs checking my phone. I saw
SAMMIE : Good morning Hun hope you slept well
Me : I did. Thx for asking I gtg to school soon I'll talk to you when I get out. Okay?
SAMMIE: OKAY LOVE
I lied to her I didn't have school that day and all I really want to do was die, I tried to act normal telling her everything was fine but she didn't know that I knew the truth. We fucked. She is dating some and she was the lead. She kept saying " I love you" but I'm sure it meant nothing because she just started dating this person like 2 or 3 days ago. Whatever it's just a phase Olive you'll get over it.
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I scavenged the house for food because we like never had any. I found Ramen Noodles hehe yummy. I grabbed a bowl, crushed up the noodles, dumped them in the bowl making sure I grabbed the little packet thingy out and then filed up the bowl with water. I searched the cabinet for all kinds of spices to make them taste good and put the noodles in for 3:30. Later I finally finished everything and cleaned up my mess, completely glad I only was on my phone once yet that day it was just a day to binge and watch Supernatural one of the best things ever made. The urge to check my phone just kept getting stronger so I did. Back to the annoying ass world. I messaged Sammie and sense it was only 1:30 I said I had early release. Ugh.
Me: How was your day Henny?
SAMMIE: It was Okay ig. How about yours, Love?
Me: It was fine ish. I missed you *blows kisses* anyways I gtg. Bye bye
SAMMIE: Bye bye Baby girl
I felt guilty because I kept lowing to her that day but she broke me and I broke her. I mean we were in a relationship before it ended badly, but it's done and over. I wish it wasn't....
I walked up the stairs about 2:00 now I was really upset, disappointed and depressed for some reason. I grabbed my blade and began to make rough marks in my skin watching the blood drip all over. I knew I needed help but my parents didn't care, we didn't have the money and every time people are downstairs and I'm there, a fight happens so I had no hope and just kept cutting almost going too deep and a scream escaped my mouth and I bit my lip holding in tears. Okay we need to clean this up and grabbed a red towel, cleaned up my mess and rinsed it out. God I'm a fucking ugly whore who can't do anything right. I'm a fuck up, punching the small merrier and slamming the door as my hand was dripping blood. I don't think I can do this anymore. Laying on my bed and cried myself to sleep. "GOD IM SHUCH A LOOSER kms " let me die someone kill me. Please . Anyone I'm begging you ..... Just fucking kill me now. As I drift of to sleep. I woke up at 2:38 am to hear yelling and screaming, I ran downstairs and peed pretending like I didn't see what was going on. They were fighting about who could find something and I yelled " YOU GUYS AREN'T 4 GROW UP THERES NO REASON TO BE FIGHTING" .... I hate leaving my room to tha shit everyday I'm sick of it. I ran back up to my room and slammed the door. Poor neighborhoods. I feel down the stairs in my room causing a cut to gash open and I started to cry, I crawled up the steps and laid on the floor curled up in a ball crying silently. My cat mewed in my face and I giggled picking Salvador up, cuddling and kissing him. "Sally, you're the only one I can't trust I love you baby boy you're beautiful Hehehehe". I picked him up and cuddled him on my bed "Sally do you think she'll ever really love me again or just leave me? Hmm you're a cat never mind baby " *pets him softly* " Can I just drive away? You can come if you want Hun" Sally mewed again. " I just want someone to hold me and kiss me good night actually tell me that they love me and it would last, I don't need sex for it to be a relationship but I do like the occasional kiss just to know that we're still close but nothing good ever happens in my life and all I was to do is die" the cute orange cat moved around explored my room and sniffed my leg. "It's okay kitty boy. It's just some blood that's all." I whispered " I love you baby. Good night I'll see you tomorrow morning" I fell asleep with him in my arms, soft and sound.
