I never imagined I could hurt this bad. I've only ever seen this happen to other people and I always told myself "that'll never be me", well now, it's fucking me. I'm such a fuck up. a wasted excuse of a human being. I thought everything could be fine, but no. I hate myself. I just want this fucking pain to go away. I feel like I've been stabbed a thousand times, and all my feelings are spilling from the wounds. I know there's so many things I could take from this, but nothing hurts more than the simple rejection of it. the fact that the person you want the most doesn't want you. It sucks. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish this was just a nightmare that I can wake up from. I can't erase a the memories from my mind, even if I tried. there's so much stuck inside of me that I wish wasn't there. If I'm supposed to move on, then I want to forget you. I don't want to think about you all the time, when I talk to somebody else all km gonna think about is you, and I don't want to. It's not fair. this isn't fair. i never got a chance. i never got to explain myself. i never got to decide if this is truly what i want. obviously, it's not, but what am i to do? what the fuck am i supposed to do? all i want is to have my way and have anything back the way it was before. i don't want any more of this fucking pain. i feel like there's a whole piece of me missing, like a part of me is just dead. i feel empty. i feel like I'm at the tipping point. i cant handle how I'm feeling, I've never felt this before and I hate it. i wish it could go away. I wish I could go away. I wish you could go away. I wish all of this bullshit could go away. the hardest part of this is I'm gonna have to watch you be happy with somebody else, which is something I'm not remotely prepared for, nor can I handle it. it makes me crazy just thinking about it. i feel all this pent up anger inside of me, i cant even imagine it. i don't want to imagine it either. i know you deserve to happy with somebody who isn't complete piece of shit, but fuck. i just feel like this all happened too fast. I didn't get a chance. i barely got a chance. all of this went downhill for God knows why. fuck the people who talk like they know things, when they know nothing. they can make up all the bullshit they want, but if you stop and believe their word over mine, i feel like shit. how the fuck do you move on from something like this? it's impossible. you never move on, unless you never cared. I'm not going to move on, and I'm choosing not to. i know i cant. i can tell myself that it's possible a million and one times, but it's not. there's way too much into this. too damn much. I'm fucking crying because I'm angry, hurt, depressed, sad, the list goes on. I haven't cried like this in a long ass time, but I have no idea what else to do. what do I do? you don't want to be with me anymore and I'm supposed to accept your decision and move on with my life. I CAN'T DO IT. i cant. I tried to convince myself I could over and over, but it's fucking impossible. each fucking memory I have only makes me hurt even more. i wanted forever with you. i wanted fucking everything with you. i changed, i really have. but you'll never see it, and that's what kills me the most. i wanted to prove myself to you. i wanted to show you i can be the one you need, but i failed. you don't want to see anymore. it hurts. it fucking hurts. everything could of worked out, but all of a sudden it just...fucking ended. it's not fair. this is not fair. i just want to be happy, I WANTED TO BE HAPPY WITH YOU AGAIN. I'd kill for one last chance to hold you in my arms, just one last time. I'd kill for one last chance to say I'm happy with you. I'd do anything just to even have you smile at me. anything. i just wish you could tell me this is a bad dream, a very bad dream I'm going to wake up from. or it's just all in my head. this is not real. none of this happened...but it's all too real. I know, I seem fucking crazy. but if I don't vent out all my feelings, I'll never get a chance to. i cant say this to your face. i just can't, because it won't change a thing. it won't fix any of this. so it's better if i do it so you can read on your own free will. all of this can mean nothing or something to you, your choice. but I just have to let it all out. I'm going to lose my mind if I don't. there's so much swirling in my brain. every little conversation, detail, thought, comment. If I'm supposed to be moving on, I don't want to think about them anymore. it just hurts so much. i just wish...i fucking wish i could of got one more chance. just one time. there's so much i'd do for you. i cant even begin to name it all. this is so hard. so so hard. i don want this to be it. I DONT WANT TO BE OVER. i just want things to be right. i cant fucking stand this. maybe if i never did anything stupid we'd still be okay. maybe if I treated you better, maybe if I didn't take you for granted, maybe if i talked to you how i should of, maybe if i would of done the things i was supposed to do everything would be okay. I've lied to myself a lot today, "you're gonna be alright, keep yourself together". fuck no. no. no. I'm not alright. I'm not okay. you can tell me the same, but it won't be true. what's the point of being here if i cant be with you anymore? if I'm not yours? you're the only person I've had in my life that made me this happy, and now that happiness is gone. I'll never have it again. Somebody else will. and it kills me to know that. like i said, you deserve to be with somebody better than me, but it drives me crazy. i cant watch it happen. I don't want to even know if it happens. ugh...you've done so much for me. you were there when I needed you, you made me feel special, and you kept me happy. I'm.not gonna have that anymore. life's not worth living if i cant have any of that. I'd rather be dead.
