I'm laying here in my room. It's 2 o'clock in the morning & i haven't slept. Everyone hates me and is completely ignoring me. I beg for help but no one hears my weak voice. I want to feel needed. I want to have a purpose. I want a lasting relationship. I want someone to care. I want someone to be there for me. I want to be safe. I want to be happy. I want to live joyfully. My eyes are red and puffy from crying. I've screamed fo it all to end. I don't deserve to be here anymore. I deserve the pain and torture. I deserve the cuts i inflict on myself. I deserve the sadness. I deserve death. My life is a living hell. No one understands. Nobody understands that i hate who i am. Nobody understands that i would do anything to feel beautiful just once. Nobody understands my obsession with wanting acceptance. Nobody understands how hard it is for me to be alive right now. Nobody understands the way i think. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME! I hate every aspect of my life. My body. My personality. My weight. My voice. My relationships. My height. I hate me... there will be a day when i kill myself. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even next year. I can just feel that i will cause my own death. Well all that pressure eventually made me snap. The first time i took the blade to my skin, it was utter bliss. Causing pain on myself was so controlling and demanding. It ruined my life. I go straight for the blade every time something goes wrong. I want to stop cutting. I want to stop pinching. I want to stop everything. I'm tired of hiding from everybody. I have countless scars. I am constantly paranoid somebody will see my scars. I'm tired of being screwed up. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being me. I need to be happy again. All i ever do is hate myself. I go days at a time without eating. I starve so i can be beautiful. it kills me. Why can't someone care? Why can't they hear me scream? Why do they laugh and stare as i sit in pain? Why don't they understand? Why did i have to be born? I have no purpose in life. No one wants me here. I can talk to my so called "friends" and i can tell I'm the least important one. They talk over me and cut me off. I don't deserve friends. I'm too worthless for friends. Everyone leaves me. They always forget about me. They never really care, they're just curious. I can't blame them for leaving. If i were them, i would hace left me too. Well it's 2:30 now. I don't understand why i even try to explain myself to people anymore. They never listen. No one ever does. I hate that I'm suicidal. I hate that I'm depressed. I hate that I'm a cutter. I hate that I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough. Good enough does not exist for me. I need an escape. Anything to give me a break, just for a minute. I need to change. I need to be skinnier. I need to be prettier. I need to be nicer. I need to be happy. I need to not be who i am. I want acceptance. I don't want to be the outcast anymore. I want to fit in.
