Life is unfair.

Winter was coming, slowly but surely. I hated winter, I hated everything about it. The snow, the cold, the way the sky looked, gray and sad and just like me, but mostly, I hated the way people looked. They all walked in the street, on their way to their jobs or to shops, smiling and looking so happy. What was good about winter anyway ? What made them smile like that ? Why were they so joyful ? Why couldn't I be like them ?
And with winter came Christmas, and so many memories. Memories that haunted me, followed me every single day, every single hour.
And with memories came panic. A panic so violent you couldn't breath anymore, a panic so hard it shook your hole body. A panic that kept you awake at night and on edge during the day. A panic so powerful you struggled to just stay conscious.

"Anxiety disorder : a chronic condition characterized by an excessive and persistent sense of apprehension, with physical symptoms such as sweating, palpitations and feelings of stress."

As long as I could remember, I've always had issues with dealing with my anxiety. But it became worst when I entered middle school, so much worst.
Family, friends, grades, bullies.
Expectations.
It was too much, and I couldn't deal with it. Panic attacks became frequent, happened almost once every week. It was exhausting, depressing. My family was always on edge, always feared to receive a phone call explaining that I made another attack again. I became unwanted, a burden.
And one day they disappeared. I guess they couldn't deal with me anymore and they couldn't deal with everything and they just left, and I know I should blame them now and I know I should hate them but I understood. I was too many problems in one body, too much money, too much stress for them to deal. I didn't have any talents and I didn't have any friends and I just didn't have what they wanted. I was a burden. A really useless burden.

~ ~ ~

That day, the rain was pouring down violently, tears falling from the sky, like if God himself was showing us his pain. That day, the sky had never been so dark, clouds gathered like a huge ball of distress, frightening and threatening.
That day, I had never seen a smile so blinding.

I met him on the street under a bus shelter. I was trying to protect myself from the heavy drops of rain, wrapped in the somewhat remaining of a blanket that I found in a bin last week. It didn't protect me at all of the cold, but it was always better than nothing. He was running, trying his best to avoid the rain but failing competely, and when he finally arrived under the shelter, he was completely soaked. He was shivering from the cold, his hair falling on his eyes and his clothes sticking to his skin, but he was smiling like it was the best day of his entire life, white teeth and visible dimples. His smile was taking half of his face, slighly crooked as if his face wasn't large enough and eyes closing from the strengh of it. I was in awe. In complete and utter awe. His smile was all it took to take my breath away.

He looked at me once, smile still in place, and I felt myself crumbling under his gaze. It was like a punch in the stomach, the air in my lungs leaving me completely, a silent whimper breaking through my lips. I was blown away from a simple gaze.

"Hey."

I was speechless. I couldn't even remember the last time someone talked to me, the last time I had to use my voice, and here was a complete stranger I hadn't even seen once greeting me. The next minutes were spend in silence - a really awkward silence - as the words stayed stuck in my throat, like they couldn't remember how to pass my lips, so I took a deep breath, licked my lips and tried again. The broken sound that passed my lips surprised even me.
"Hey ?" Really, it sounded more like a question than a simple salute but at least I said something and the stranger looked surprisingly satisfied.
It was the most awkward moment of my life.
I didn't know where to look, what to do with my hands, what to do with myself. In simple words, I was a mess. A really embarrassing mess. And I didn't even knew the guy.